Question:
What is your favorite joke? C'mon, throw it out there. And try and keep a sense of humor, EVERYTHING on this thread should be a joke and interpreted as so!
But keep um clean!!!!!!!!!! There are children around!!!!!
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down
> a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little
> old lady. She offers him a hand full of peanuts, which he
> gratefully munches up.
>
> After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
> again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She
> repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time
> he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts
> themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
> because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
>
> "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
>
> Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the
> chocolate they were dipped in".............
LOL,,,I HAVE TO SIT AND REMEMBER MINE,,,GET READY!!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :eek:
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
If my Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children as was
the preferred method of yesteryear. I recently heard from a friend who has
tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of "those
moments".
One that she found very effective was to just take the child for a car ride
and talk.
They usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after their little outing
together.
I've included the photo below of one of those sessions with my friend's son
in case you would like to use the technique.
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
Was this written about me?????? ;)
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." :D
A letter to the pastor from a little boy---
Dear pastor,
I know God loves everybody but, he never met my sister.
Your sincerely,
Arnold
Creation:
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you ca be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
Got made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" :)
thats funny sue...........sorry, i have no jokes, never could remember them, must be a genetic disorder.
I'll let you in on my secret Brad, someone emailed a bunch of jokes to me this morning :D
And another one:
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. :D
:D :D :D
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
What do you call a fly without wings? a walk!
OK. Not so funny. This is why we need YOUR jokes! Don' hold back. Just use #@*& for any expletives so we don' make Granny mad. :)
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke
a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into
the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with
a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Daaaaaammmmnnnn........Dude! How much water did you drink?!"
More funny stuff!! More more!!
Sent: Saturday, January 15, 2005 9:44 PM
Subject: General George Washington
Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware
River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in
Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the
water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could s ee where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern
back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly
an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they
must go on Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see
lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they
didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest
to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful
woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing
there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you
have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me !"
Good News and Bad News
Bob gets a call from his doctor with the results of
his blood test.
"I've got bad news and worse news," says the doctor.
"The bad news is that you've only got 24 hours to live."
"Oh no!" says Bob. "That's terrible, how can it
get any worse than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday :(
:p very funny everybody ! :D me is tickled in the ribs :D :) :p
Spanish Class
Subject: Spanish masculine vs feminine
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil”,
however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling...this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
This is one of my favorites, ARL! :p :D
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
Answers:
But keep um clean!!!!!!!!!! There are children around!!!!!
Answers:
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down
> a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little
> old lady. She offers him a hand full of peanuts, which he
> gratefully munches up.
>
> After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
> again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She
> repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time
> he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts
> themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
> because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
>
> "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
>
> Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the
> chocolate they were dipped in".............
Answers:
LOL,,,I HAVE TO SIT AND REMEMBER MINE,,,GET READY!!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :eek:
Answers:
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
If my Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Answers:
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children as was
the preferred method of yesteryear. I recently heard from a friend who has
tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of "those
moments".
One that she found very effective was to just take the child for a car ride
and talk.
They usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after their little outing
together.
I've included the photo below of one of those sessions with my friend's son
in case you would like to use the technique.
Answers:
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
Was this written about me?????? ;)
Answers:
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." :D
Answers:
A letter to the pastor from a little boy---
Dear pastor,
I know God loves everybody but, he never met my sister.
Your sincerely,
Arnold
Answers:
Creation:
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you ca be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
Got made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" :)
Answers:
thats funny sue...........sorry, i have no jokes, never could remember them, must be a genetic disorder.
Answers:
I'll let you in on my secret Brad, someone emailed a bunch of jokes to me this morning :D
And another one:
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. :D
Answers:
:D :D :D
Answers:
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
What do you call a fly without wings? a walk!
OK. Not so funny. This is why we need YOUR jokes! Don' hold back. Just use #@*& for any expletives so we don' make Granny mad. :)
Answers:
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke
a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into
the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with
a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Daaaaaammmmnnnn........Dude! How much water did you drink?!"
Answers:
More funny stuff!! More more!!
Answers:
Sent: Saturday, January 15, 2005 9:44 PM
Subject: General George Washington
Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware
River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in
Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the
water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could s ee where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern
back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly
an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they
must go on Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see
lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they
didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest
to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise, there stood a beautiful
woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing
there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you
have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me !"
Answers:
Good News and Bad News
Bob gets a call from his doctor with the results of
his blood test.
"I've got bad news and worse news," says the doctor.
"The bad news is that you've only got 24 hours to live."
"Oh no!" says Bob. "That's terrible, how can it
get any worse than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday :(
Answers:
:p very funny everybody ! :D me is tickled in the ribs :D :) :p
Answers:
Spanish Class
Subject: Spanish masculine vs feminine
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil”,
however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling...this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Answers:
This is one of my favorites, ARL! :p :D
Answers:
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
Answers:
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
Answers:
The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
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