Question:
I thought I should pass on this "Dear Abby" message that I found in our Daily Newspaper. It could probably benefit a few of our member(s) that are affected by the situation, and hopefully can learn something from others and act before it's too late.
eric
DEAR ABBY: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year-old battered woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of that year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call.
At first I thought, "How can this help me?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.
Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.
After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life.
– Grateful in Illinois
DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in your honor.
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
very excellant advice Eric! (and Abby)
Wow, that is a powerful list. I read it, and was like OMG about 85% of those my boyfriend did. Luckily I got out before the other 15% went into play. Oh my god, I had no idea, I feel so relieved I am not with him anymore. I never knew the warning signs before. Thank you so much for posting that.
Ashley
I can't believe some people are like that. How does that happen?
I wish I knew how that happened, but sometimes those things are unexplainable. It really is a sad sad sad thing!!!
Ashley
Hey Quinn, it's a terrible thing when it happens. It effects not only the one being abused but friends and family are helpless. You want so bad for the person to get out of that situation, as stated often the abuser will keep family and friends barred. I know one batterer who I swear inherited the genes from his father. He grew up watching his dad hit his mom, knew that his father had numerous affairs. So this guy thinks it's OK to be unfaithful and to hit women. The women if they live to get out of the situation are forever changed. They have problems trusting in others, their self esteem is shattered. As the holidays approach, abuse rises. I only hope that anyone in a abusive relationship seeks help. Before it's too late........
eric
DEAR ABBY: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year-old battered woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of that year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call.
At first I thought, "How can this help me?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.
Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.
After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life.
– Grateful in Illinois
DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in your honor.
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
Answers:
very excellant advice Eric! (and Abby)
Answers:
Wow, that is a powerful list. I read it, and was like OMG about 85% of those my boyfriend did. Luckily I got out before the other 15% went into play. Oh my god, I had no idea, I feel so relieved I am not with him anymore. I never knew the warning signs before. Thank you so much for posting that.
Ashley
Answers:
I can't believe some people are like that. How does that happen?
Answers:
I wish I knew how that happened, but sometimes those things are unexplainable. It really is a sad sad sad thing!!!
Ashley
Answers:
Hey Quinn, it's a terrible thing when it happens. It effects not only the one being abused but friends and family are helpless. You want so bad for the person to get out of that situation, as stated often the abuser will keep family and friends barred. I know one batterer who I swear inherited the genes from his father. He grew up watching his dad hit his mom, knew that his father had numerous affairs. So this guy thinks it's OK to be unfaithful and to hit women. The women if they live to get out of the situation are forever changed. They have problems trusting in others, their self esteem is shattered. As the holidays approach, abuse rises. I only hope that anyone in a abusive relationship seeks help. Before it's too late........
1 2