Question:
1 Attachment(s)
Hey Everyone,
Helen is feeling down right now, and she sure loves jokes, so I thought I would start this thread just for jokes...
Thanks,
Molly
:)
1 Attachment(s) I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out.
"
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
1 Attachment(s) Ohhhhhhh :D :D :D Way too funny for words... LOL LOL LOL
[SIZE=3]THANKS [/SIZE] !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a FASHION DESIGNER OUTFIT which I'll be wearing for awhile.....
Helen
xxxooo
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart ---
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
:D
http://www.gourmetshuttle.com/ComboNo5.htm
My all time favorite!
Lets keep this bumped, so Helen can easily find it!
UP^
Okay Helen,
Do want to hear the worlds worst joke.........
I mean bad................
Okay How come the call the Lincoln Tunnel, the Lincoln Tunnel?
Are you thinking Helen?
Do you want to know the answer?
Ready?
Wait for it.....................
cause its linkin' New York and New Jersey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!!! :p
Be better Helen F.M.
O.K. I'll post one..............
Maxine Update. .
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
9. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works m uch better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
Hi Helen, I'm glad to see you posting. Hope you are feeling well today!! :) I liked #4 the best!
hi helen
hope you are feeling better.
#4 was me when my mower was broke. i was using scissors to cut my lawn.
try and have a wonderful day all.
richard lol
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"Supplies!!"
***
LOL Helen! Good one!
hepper,,,,you can say hello arlie,,,,geeeeeeesk!!!!!! Hope your feeling ok,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
1 Attachment(s) "hepper,,,,you can say hello arlie,,,,geeeeeeesk!!!!!! "
O.K. .... Hello Arlie,,geeeeeeesk! ! ! ! !
Does "LOL" stand for "Lots of Love" OR "Little Old Lady" ????
Huh? Huh? Huh?
LOL, Tee Hee.......
HEPPER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ARE YOU FEELING OK???????????
NOPE, but thanks for asking Arlie.................
xxxxxxoooooooo
1 Attachment(s) >A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an
>extraction.
>
>"$85" replied the dentist.
>
>"Huv ye nay got unythin cheaper?", asked the Scotsman, seemingly quite
>agitated.
>
>"That's the normal charge for an extraction, sir", said the dentist.
>
>"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman
>hopefully.
>
>"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I
>can do it for $70", said the dentist.
>
>"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi'
>oot anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman.
>
>"Well it's possible but they're only training and I can't guarantee
>their level of professionalism; and, it'll be a lot more painful. But,
>I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said
the
>dentist.
>
>"That's still a bit much; how aboot if ye make it a training session
>and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin
>and learnin?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
>
>"Hmmmmm, well OK. It'll be good for the students I suppose. I'll
>charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.
>
>"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in
>for next Tuesday?"
>
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small
farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a
most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a
nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the
tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple
to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start
again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you
simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat
them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have
discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!
VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!) 3% Vitamin E 2% aspirin 2%
ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C
...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!
:D
1 Attachment(s) Frivolous Old Gal
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love, Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
Helen is feeling down right now, and she sure loves jokes, so I thought I would start this thread just for jokes...
Thanks,
Molly
Answers:
:)
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out.
"
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Ohhhhhhh :D :D :D Way too funny for words... LOL LOL LOL
[SIZE=3]THANKS [/SIZE] !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a FASHION DESIGNER OUTFIT which I'll be wearing for awhile.....
Helen
xxxooo
Answers:
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart ---
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
Answers:
:D
Answers:
http://www.gourmetshuttle.com/ComboNo5.htm
My all time favorite!
Answers:
Lets keep this bumped, so Helen can easily find it!
Answers:
UP^
Answers:
Okay Helen,
Do want to hear the worlds worst joke.........
I mean bad................
Okay How come the call the Lincoln Tunnel, the Lincoln Tunnel?
Are you thinking Helen?
Do you want to know the answer?
Ready?
Wait for it.....................
cause its linkin' New York and New Jersey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!!! :p
Be better Helen F.M.
Answers:
O.K. I'll post one..............
Maxine Update. .
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
9. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works m uch better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
Answers:
Hi Helen, I'm glad to see you posting. Hope you are feeling well today!! :) I liked #4 the best!
Answers:
hi helen
hope you are feeling better.
#4 was me when my mower was broke. i was using scissors to cut my lawn.
try and have a wonderful day all.
richard lol
Answers:
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
"Supplies!!"
***
Answers:
LOL Helen! Good one!
Answers:
hepper,,,,you can say hello arlie,,,,geeeeeeesk!!!!!! Hope your feeling ok,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) "hepper,,,,you can say hello arlie,,,,geeeeeeesk!!!!!! "
O.K. .... Hello Arlie,,geeeeeeesk! ! ! ! !
Answers:
Does "LOL" stand for "Lots of Love" OR "Little Old Lady" ????
Huh? Huh? Huh?
LOL, Tee Hee.......
Answers:
HEPPER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ARE YOU FEELING OK???????????
Answers:
NOPE, but thanks for asking Arlie.................
xxxxxxoooooooo
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) >A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an
>extraction.
>
>"$85" replied the dentist.
>
>"Huv ye nay got unythin cheaper?", asked the Scotsman, seemingly quite
>agitated.
>
>"That's the normal charge for an extraction, sir", said the dentist.
>
>"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman
>hopefully.
>
>"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I
>can do it for $70", said the dentist.
>
>"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi'
>oot anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman.
>
>"Well it's possible but they're only training and I can't guarantee
>their level of professionalism; and, it'll be a lot more painful. But,
>I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said
the
>dentist.
>
>"That's still a bit much; how aboot if ye make it a training session
>and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin
>and learnin?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
>
>"Hmmmmm, well OK. It'll be good for the students I suppose. I'll
>charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.
>
>"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in
>for next Tuesday?"
>
Answers:
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small
farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a
most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a
nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the
tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple
to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start
again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you
simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat
them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
Answers:
After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have
discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!
VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!) 3% Vitamin E 2% aspirin 2%
ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C
...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!
:D
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Frivolous Old Gal
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love, Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
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