Question:
1 Attachment(s)
Indian Wisdom
Subject: INDIAN WISDOM:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > INDIAN WISDOM:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the
> > > > > > > > reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the
> > > > > > > > US government officials sent to interview him.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have
> > > > > > > > observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed
> > > > > > > > his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his
> > > > > > > > progress and the damage he has done."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief nodded that it was so.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The official continued, "Considering all these events,
> > > > > > > > in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief stared at the government officials for over
> > > > > > > > a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man
> > > > > > > > found this land, Indians were running it.
> > > > > > > > No taxes. No debt.
> > > > > > > > Plenty buffalo.
> > > > > > > > Plenty beaver.
> > > > > > > > Women did all the work.
> > > > > > > > Medicine man free.
> > > > > > > > Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all
> > > > > > > > night having sex with women."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief leaned back and smiled,
> > > > > > > > "White man dumb enough to think he could improve
> > > > > > > > system like that."
> >
> >
>
Let's have one more
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Good grief those words are difficult to say sober!!!! As for the for the defination of them well.........LOLOL!!! I do know what cinnamon is!!!
I loved it Helen!! You always have the best jokes!
"Good grief those words are difficult to say sober"
Ha Ha, I agree with you whole heartedly Deb on the above. Tee Hee
"Who luvs ya Baby"..........Do you remember who always said that???
(I think I got that right)
i guess your an old pro at that hep,,,,what's the matter ,,the brats r driving u to drink,,,u wanted them,,,,,,,lolololol
Heps,
You are indubitibly innovative. And the proliferation of skin hasn't given you a passive aggressive disorder. The preliminary examination of this merely substantiates your loquaciousness.
You are too cute!
"i guess your an old pro at that hep,,,,what's the matter ,,the brats r driving u to drink,,,u wanted them,,,,,,,lolololol"
Oh does drinking tea do that??? ANDDDDDD, you should know huh sweetie? lol
Annie, all I got to say in answering to your brilliant post is:
HUH??????????????????? lol (I haven't woke up yet to look those remarkable words in the Thesaurus or whatever it's called for the synonyms of them. LOL
Luv ya both................
Ohhhhh, Let's have another funny, O.K.???
AUTO REPAIR
> >
> >A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
> >mechanic it died.
> >After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> >She says, "What's the story?"
> >He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> >She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> >
1 Attachment(s) Oh O.K. ...... You twisted my arm, I'll tell you another.
>RIVER WALK
> >
> >There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> >another blonde on the opposite bank.
> >"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
> >The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
> >shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A blonde friend told me this one:
A beautiful blonde gets on a plane bound for New York. She sits in the first seat she comes to and it happens to be in first class. The flight attendent asks to check and seat assignment and finds out that she isn't supposed to be there. She tells her that she can't sit in first class. The blonde replys, "Look, I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. Leave me alone." The flight attendent tries to reason with her, but the blonde doesn't listen. Soon the head flight attendent asks what the problem is and she is told about the blonde. The head flight attendent asks the woman to move and was told, "Look, I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. Leave me alone." The two flight attendents look at each other, perplexed and the lead goes to tell the captain. The captain comes back and asks how the blonde is doing today. She responds, "I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. I am doing terrific." The captain bends down and whispers in her ear. The blond gives him a grateful look and hurries to the back of the plane. The two flight attendents are amazed and ask what he said. The pilot repsonds, "My wife is blonde so I am used to dealing with this. I simply told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
Well, several days went by so it's time for another so called "funny"
> >KNITTING
> >
> >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> >Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
> >the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
> >lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
> >bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> >"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
no blonde joke here.....but:
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of
wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand
there, bracing themselves against the gale...
So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to
their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the
cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the
grass...
Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the
next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop
and you just stand there unharmed ?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't
fall down."
1 Attachment(s) O.K. time for another.....
Margaret, here's one to take your mind off of things :)
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...!!!"
.
:D Thanks Helen.....LMAO!!
Originally posted by heps
O.K. time for another.....
Margaret, here's one to take your mind off of things :)
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...!!!"
.
this is really a good one.. just wanted to give all the credits.. this made me lol...
Subject: Why we Love Children
_
_KETCHUP
_
_A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
_
_MORE NUDITY
_
_A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
_
_POLICE # 1
_
_While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe?"
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Those are all gems and I dn't think I've heard any one of them before.
26 NEW Office Words Terms and Definitions
New words added to the 2K1 version of the Dictionary
1. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
2. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
3.Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.
4. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
6. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
7. Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
8. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
9. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
10. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
11. Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."
12. Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
13. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my...um...friend."
15. Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
16. Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
17. Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
18. Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
19. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
20. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage".
21. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
22. Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
23. Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
24. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
25. G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
26. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
Hazy, all that I can say is.......... brilliant~!!! LOve it!! :)
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power in
January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism
as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched
William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a
21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that
I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton.
Every damned one of them missed!
(Ok, it is a bit dated, but very appropriate, considering how President Reagan rejuvenated our armed forces, only to be depleted at a record rate, by an incompitent a few short years later. :D :D :D )
Originally posted by hazy
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power in
January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism
as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched
William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a
21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that
I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton.
Every damned one of them missed!
(Ok, it is a bit dated, but very appropriate, considering how President Reagan rejuvenated our armed forces, only to be depleted at a record rate, by an incompitent a few short years later. :D :D :D )
Hey hazy at least we have one thing in common, we both love Ronnie. He was a great man, did not agree with his economics, but it is having it's effect on us.
Just for the record, I knew Ronald Reagan (not really) and Bush is no Reagan. If Bush 2 would ever win a 2nd term intrest rates will be at -2.30%
I just can't trust him. Take care man.
Hazy, forgot I loved the "New words added to the 2K1 version of the Dictionary "
By the way, Clinton must have boarded Air force two, because only the President can fly Air force One, correct?
Subject: INDIAN WISDOM:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > INDIAN WISDOM:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the
> > > > > > > > reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the
> > > > > > > > US government officials sent to interview him.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have
> > > > > > > > observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed
> > > > > > > > his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his
> > > > > > > > progress and the damage he has done."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief nodded that it was so.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The official continued, "Considering all these events,
> > > > > > > > in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief stared at the government officials for over
> > > > > > > > a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man
> > > > > > > > found this land, Indians were running it.
> > > > > > > > No taxes. No debt.
> > > > > > > > Plenty buffalo.
> > > > > > > > Plenty beaver.
> > > > > > > > Women did all the work.
> > > > > > > > Medicine man free.
> > > > > > > > Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all
> > > > > > > > night having sex with women."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Chief leaned back and smiled,
> > > > > > > > "White man dumb enough to think he could improve
> > > > > > > > system like that."
> >
> >
>
Answers:
Let's have one more
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Answers:
Good grief those words are difficult to say sober!!!! As for the for the defination of them well.........LOLOL!!! I do know what cinnamon is!!!
I loved it Helen!! You always have the best jokes!
Answers:
"Good grief those words are difficult to say sober"
Ha Ha, I agree with you whole heartedly Deb on the above. Tee Hee
"Who luvs ya Baby"..........Do you remember who always said that???
(I think I got that right)
Answers:
i guess your an old pro at that hep,,,,what's the matter ,,the brats r driving u to drink,,,u wanted them,,,,,,,lolololol
Answers:
Heps,
You are indubitibly innovative. And the proliferation of skin hasn't given you a passive aggressive disorder. The preliminary examination of this merely substantiates your loquaciousness.
You are too cute!
Answers:
"i guess your an old pro at that hep,,,,what's the matter ,,the brats r driving u to drink,,,u wanted them,,,,,,,lolololol"
Oh does drinking tea do that??? ANDDDDDD, you should know huh sweetie? lol
Annie, all I got to say in answering to your brilliant post is:
HUH??????????????????? lol (I haven't woke up yet to look those remarkable words in the Thesaurus or whatever it's called for the synonyms of them. LOL
Luv ya both................
Answers:
Ohhhhh, Let's have another funny, O.K.???
AUTO REPAIR
> >
> >A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
> >mechanic it died.
> >After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> >She says, "What's the story?"
> >He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> >She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> >
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Oh O.K. ...... You twisted my arm, I'll tell you another.
>RIVER WALK
> >
> >There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> >another blonde on the opposite bank.
> >"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
> >The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
> >shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Answers:
A blonde friend told me this one:
A beautiful blonde gets on a plane bound for New York. She sits in the first seat she comes to and it happens to be in first class. The flight attendent asks to check and seat assignment and finds out that she isn't supposed to be there. She tells her that she can't sit in first class. The blonde replys, "Look, I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. Leave me alone." The flight attendent tries to reason with her, but the blonde doesn't listen. Soon the head flight attendent asks what the problem is and she is told about the blonde. The head flight attendent asks the woman to move and was told, "Look, I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. Leave me alone." The two flight attendents look at each other, perplexed and the lead goes to tell the captain. The captain comes back and asks how the blonde is doing today. She responds, "I am blonde. I am beautiful and I am going to New York. I am doing terrific." The captain bends down and whispers in her ear. The blond gives him a grateful look and hurries to the back of the plane. The two flight attendents are amazed and ask what he said. The pilot repsonds, "My wife is blonde so I am used to dealing with this. I simply told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
Answers:
Well, several days went by so it's time for another so called "funny"
> >KNITTING
> >
> >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> >Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
> >the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
> >lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
> >bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> >"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Answers:
no blonde joke here.....but:
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of
wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand
there, bracing themselves against the gale...
So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to
their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the
cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the
grass...
Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the
next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop
and you just stand there unharmed ?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't
fall down."
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) O.K. time for another.....
Margaret, here's one to take your mind off of things :)
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...!!!"
.
Answers:
:D Thanks Helen.....LMAO!!
Answers:
Originally posted by heps
O.K. time for another.....
Margaret, here's one to take your mind off of things :)
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...!!!"
.
this is really a good one.. just wanted to give all the credits.. this made me lol...
Answers:
Subject: Why we Love Children
_
_KETCHUP
_
_A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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_MORE NUDITY
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_A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
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_POLICE # 1
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_While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe?"
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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Those are all gems and I dn't think I've heard any one of them before.
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26 NEW Office Words Terms and Definitions
New words added to the 2K1 version of the Dictionary
1. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
2. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
3.Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.
4. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
6. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
7. Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
8. Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
9. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
10. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
11. Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."
12. Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
13. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my...um...friend."
15. Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
16. Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
17. Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
18. Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
19. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
20. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage".
21. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
22. Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
23. Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
24. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
25. G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
26. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
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Hazy, all that I can say is.......... brilliant~!!! LOve it!! :)
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I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power in
January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism
as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched
William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a
21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that
I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton.
Every damned one of them missed!
(Ok, it is a bit dated, but very appropriate, considering how President Reagan rejuvenated our armed forces, only to be depleted at a record rate, by an incompitent a few short years later. :D :D :D )
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Originally posted by hazy
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power in
January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism
as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched
William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a
21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that
I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton.
Every damned one of them missed!
(Ok, it is a bit dated, but very appropriate, considering how President Reagan rejuvenated our armed forces, only to be depleted at a record rate, by an incompitent a few short years later. :D :D :D )
Hey hazy at least we have one thing in common, we both love Ronnie. He was a great man, did not agree with his economics, but it is having it's effect on us.
Just for the record, I knew Ronald Reagan (not really) and Bush is no Reagan. If Bush 2 would ever win a 2nd term intrest rates will be at -2.30%
I just can't trust him. Take care man.
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Hazy, forgot I loved the "New words added to the 2K1 version of the Dictionary "
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By the way, Clinton must have boarded Air force two, because only the President can fly Air force One, correct?
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