Question:
1 Attachment(s)
Ladies vs. Real Women
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato
& it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that to darn bad. I made it &
you will eat it & I don't care how bad it tastes.
----------------------
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half & rub it on your forehead - the throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill & drink. You might still have a headache,
but who cares?
--------------------------
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine???????
--------------------------
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry mix instead & there
won't be any white mess on the bottom of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Kinda corny I think, however, sometimes there's some humor in it. :)
I love it!!! (Probably because it's so true!) :D :p
Lynne
LOve it Helen!!!
lol... good ones helen! (mental note: show to mom when she gets home!)
Helen....I like your "lady".....is that your new image?????........that pink dress looks good.......................
1 Attachment(s) Ha Ha, Thanks Pammie, I was so tickled that I found my pretty lady. There's quite a story behind
why I was so tickled in finding her. When I was much much younger, probably your age, I bought
some false eyelashes. Well, I had a heck of a time putting them on especially to have them stick
in the corners of my eyes. They kept sticking straight out. That wouldn't do to have the middle section
stay down as it should & the ends sticking straight out, sooooo, I kept removing them & adding more
glue. This happened several times, removing & adding more glue. I was determined, as I was going
to a party & I wanted to look real pretty. So I finally suceeded. All through the evening I would
flutter my eyelashes. Well I fluttered them so many times that one eyelash was partly off & stuck straight
out & the other got glued down & I couldn't open my eye. Oh I sure was real pretty then. :) At least
I became the life of the party as everyone was laughing so hard at how I looked, it took my friends
years to get over it. I wish I could of seen what I looked like. :)
I'll interchange her with my "tweety bird".
Helen-----That was a very funny story, laughing as I type(thank you for the laugh). I have a similiar story:
A friend of mine was at the all important interview part of the "beauty pageant".....all dressed up trying to impress all the judges................as she was eating, one of her lashes feel into her soup. She didn't want to pick it out with her fingers and she thought no one noticed that it fell, so she just ate it!!!!!!!!Can you imagine???????LOL
That one reminds me of a funny. A friend was wearing some of those artificial nails. We were serving at a Church Mother, Daughter supper. Somewhere during the evening she realized one of her nails was missing. No one ever said a word and we don't know who "found" it.
Dove
My DH just reminded me of another. I was so embarrassed. We were in a fancy Restaurant with a group celebrating a couples Anniversary. I can't remember where I found it, but I was playing with a rubber band. It broke, and flew,.........right into another table where it landed in someone's soup. They had no idea where it came from.......but everyone at my table did. They still check me for rubber bands before they will go into a restaurant with me.
Dove
Hahahaha!!! I love all these stories but eating the eyelash has em all beat!!! eww!!
I thing I would have just pushed it down in the soup and pretened I was'nt hungry for the soup!!!
hahhahahaaa!!!
ok this is a good one also,,,my husband and i were on a little vacation,,,,i said lets go big and not care how expensive the is,so we sit down,and we order,the young guy said now,the salad bar is over there,,,we go and i usually don't have much salad,,but i said why not ,'i'll have some,,,we both go back to the table and i lokk and my nail is gone half of it,,,artificial,,,he said oh no,i can't believe you wear them stupid things i said shuit up i think it fell in the salad,,he said your not going to go back there are you,,i said yes i need it,,,,come with me and help me look,,,well all people were there and making salads,,,i saw it ,,,i looked at him,,i scooped it right up,,,,,,,nearly peed my pants,,all the way back to the table.,got the glue out and was all set.
This i'll make short,,,had a party in the yard and made salads,potatoe salad,,,and i knew i lost my nail again ,,,well i didn't know where this time or when,,,so we are outside in my yard and my girlfriend said let me see your hands,,,i said why,she said are you missing a nail,,i said yes,,,she said well it's in my mouth,,,,,that time i did pee in,,,we all did.......arl
1 Attachment(s) It's funny how one story leads into another... I laughed through all of
them except eating the lash that fell into the soup, with that one I said
yuk... :D
Dove, remind me not to be in a restaurant & sit in front of you. Ha Ha
http://www.netlaughter.com/halloween/halloween.cfm
Veeeeeery funny ladies...all of them !!
Keep them comming please......
Sunny regards,
Iris :)
**** A B I R D ' S L I F E * * * ************************************************** **
In the beginning, there was The Bird. And The Bird was in darkness,
for the Cage was covered, and there was naught to see.
And The Bird was pissed about this situation, and demanded that the Cage be Uncovered, and that there should be light.
And The Bird sayeth.....
'BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWKKKKKKKK! '
And, lo, this cry did shatter the morning silence, and the Ears of The
Owner were rent asunder, and the sleep of The Owner did dissipate
And it came to pass, that The Cage was Uncovered by the Owner,
and thus light did flood in, and The Bird saw that all was Good.
Well, almost.......
For in the light of the Uncovered Cage, The Bird beheld that the
Food Dish was forsaken of food...there was naught within.
And boy, The Bird was wroth with perturbment, and thus sayeth the bird: 'Oh, mere mortal Owner, is thou so stupid as to forget my morning repast, as is my right to demand of you?'
But the Owner knew not the divine language, and it only sounded like
'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK K!'
to her. (mostly because her ears had been rent asunder earlier)
And as it was the will of The Bird, the food and the water dishes were
taken away, and ritually washed and dried. The divine repast of
Pesticide-Free Organic Produce, Dried Fruit, Berries, Nuts and
Expensive Pellets was duly prepared, and thus presented before
The Bird.
And the Bird looked upon the great feast with one round, dark eye, and decided to become mortally afraid of Carrots, even though The Bird
had eaten Carrots since time unending. And thus, were the Carrots flung down from the Cage, to roll under the sofa, to go unnoticed by The Owner and decay there. This action much pleased The Bird, and henceforth, The Bird took great Joy in flinging All Manner Of Objects out of The Cage and Onto The Floor.
The Bird saw that this was good and proclaimed
'BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWKKKK!'
So that The Owner and All The World would know.
(Maybe not the *whole* world, but everyone on the next three blocks
sure as hell knew about it.)
And The Bird knew by Divine Avian Logic that if he did not care for the
prepared morning repast, he was entitled to feast upon books, heirloom furniture and Small Children (not necessarily in that order). But today, having flung away all the Carrots, the bird deemed the repast edible, and lo, did make a gourmand of itself, and ate the whole thing, and was done.
But with the morning repast finished, and nothing left to fling,
The Bird soon became bored. It was time to go Beyond The Cage, as this was also the divine right of the bird, to wander the living area of The Owner, and Poop Upon All He Observed, floor, furniture, man, woman, or child.
For The Bird possessed The Owner, and by all Avian Logic, The Bird did possess anything that The Owner possessed, even if The Owner had
A Big Mac, and was eating it, The Bird was in all rights able to take the
Big Mac from the owner, and of course, Fling It Down Onto The Floor,
and, even better, Poop Upon It.
And so sayeth the bird 'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWKKKKKKKK!'
and hence, the owner came running, and made the door of The Cage
to be Open.
And The Owner said unto The Bird, 'UP!' and The Bird did, in all it's sublime glory, step upon The Hand of The Owner. And the bird was much pleased, and did happily make a noise of contentment, and all was good, and quiet and peaceful (for the next three seconds).
But, as The Bird sat upon The Hand of The Owner, The Bird beheld that there was, abiding in the Living room, upon the sofa, The Significant
Other of The Owner. And The Heart of The Bird was filled with a great and dour jealously, and The Bird did henceforth swear to try to Devour The Significant Other At Every Opportunity and would forever, see that
The Significant Other suffered Pain from the Beak of The Bird, and Poop from the Other End. And the Bird looked upon the Significant Other, and said:
'BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWKKKKKK'
in an exceeding loud voice, which caused the Significant Other to spill
his soda all over. And The Bird Saw That This Was Not Only Good, But
Pretty Damn Funny, Too. And henceforth, The Bird would Scream whenever The Significant Other would dare to be in the same area as The Bird (within a 10 mile radius).
And then it came to pass, that The Bird was removed from the Hand of The Owner, and The Feet of The Bird came to rest upon the perch of the playpen that was solely The Bird's. And such were the delights in the Eyes of The Bird. A swing, a chain, wood to chew, and many things to fling. And there came upon the land, A Miracle, and that Miracle was named Silence, and Silence ensued for the next two hours, whilst The Bird did Amuse Itself and Play quietly.
And while this was, the owner did carefully clean The Cage and
removed the Poop from therein, and made the cage to be most immaculate.
As time passed, The Bird was made weary from all the difficulties
involved in the job of being a Divine Creature. And so The Bird, going
quietly unobserved, did clamber down from It's pen, and make to It's cage, where It took a nap.
And The Owner looked upon the playpen, and saw that The Bird
did not abide within or upon, and The Owner was fraught with fear, thinking that The Bird had either devoured itself whole or that The Significant Other Had Indeed, Meted Out A Terrible Punishment Upon The Bird, And The Bird Was Now A Fancy-Colored Featherduster. And The Owner did set up such a great and Sorrowful keening, that it caused The Bird to awake, and Screech loudly for being disturbed during such an important job as a nap. And, lo, the Owner was soothed, and The Bird returned to It's nap.
And when the time for the nap had passed, and The Bird was now Awake, Refreshed, and Hell-Bent For Leather, The Bird did cleverly let itself out of The Cage (for no implement of any mere mortal could hold it) and sought out something for to destroy.
And it came to pass that The Bird ate a $100 dollar Technics Stereo
Speaker, and lo, a miracle it was that The Bird was not electrocuted into something resembling Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And the Owner was sore annoyed by The Bird's action, and Cursed
and Decried the Bird, and The Bird was returned to The Cage, where
It did Sulk for an Hour unmitigated.
So the rays of sunlight coming through the window, did grow long, and Orange in color, and The Bird saw that it was time for the evening repast, and was given a divine meal, in the bowl.
But The Bird soon became sore displeased, when it noted that The Owner was possessed of a Golden Dragon dinner....Chinese Take-Out, and The Bird did upset the dish into the Bottom of The Cage, and
thereupon did fling All out from The Cage, and Scream until it was soothed with a large piece of Family-Style Bean Curd.
And then The Bird did go along with The Owner to Watch X-Files, and soon became Weary and demanded to go to bed.
The Bird retired to The Cage, which was covered, and The Bird saw that this Darkness was warm, and comfortable, and was Good in the eyes of The bird (which were getting heavy, and sleepy) and The Bird did drift off to sleep.
And in the end, there a Puffy, Sleeping Bird, with It's Head Tucked Under It's Wing, and all was quiet until the next morning....when everything started all over again...
1 Attachment(s) Now Now "Pretty Boy" be good. LOL
Thought ya might enjoy this!
Mom's Chicken Noodle Soup
1 Can Campbell's Original Chicken Noodle Soup
1 Can water
1/2 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Pepper
1 Box Saltine Crackers
1 Couch or Bed
1 TV/VCR
Put soup, water, salt & pepper in a pot on the stove, or
in the microwave. Heat until it's HOT. Put it in a bowl,
grab the crackers, and head for a couch/bed within site of the TV.
Serve with tons of Water and/or 7-Up.
VEG Out.
Patsi's favorite comfort food:
GRANDMA JOHNSON'S MILK TOAST
Toast two pieces of white bread.
Break into pieces in a bowl.
Add hot milk, butter,
lots of sugar and cinnamon.
It got me through LOTS of winter colds!
Mom's White Hair!
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her
mother has several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her
brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your
hairs white, Mommy?"
Mommy replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for
a while and then asked,
"Mommy, how come all of grandma's hairs are
white?":D
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really, Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
Sally and Lottie.................funny ..............LOL...
1 Attachment(s) Sally & Lottie, I'm still laughing, very funny!!!
> Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
> environmental encounters:
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
> listened to the instructor declare, " It is essential that husbands
and
> wives know the things that are important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
> flower?"
>
> Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered . . .
> "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?
>
> And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
LETTER FROM A , NOW AT PARIS ISLAND, WEST VIRGINIA FARM KID AT A MARINE
>CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT
>
>Dear Ma and Pa:
>
>I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
>Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
>quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
>because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
>like to sleep late.
>
>Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
>shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
>split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not
>so bad, there's warm water.
>
>Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
>etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
>pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
>between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
>you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
>can't walk much.
>
>We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks
>to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
>A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
>guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice,
>but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The
>Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and
>frown. They don't bother you none.
>
>This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
>for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
>chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the
>Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
>hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then
>we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
>with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
>easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
>best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
>Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
>and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
>
>Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
>onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
>Your loving daughter, Mary Lou
1 Attachment(s) "Your loving daughter"???? Ha, I expected it to read, "Your Loving Son". It's very
funny Molly...
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato
& it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that to darn bad. I made it &
you will eat it & I don't care how bad it tastes.
----------------------
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half & rub it on your forehead - the throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill & drink. You might still have a headache,
but who cares?
--------------------------
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine???????
--------------------------
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry mix instead & there
won't be any white mess on the bottom of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Kinda corny I think, however, sometimes there's some humor in it. :)
Answers:
I love it!!! (Probably because it's so true!) :D :p
Lynne
Answers:
LOve it Helen!!!
Answers:
lol... good ones helen! (mental note: show to mom when she gets home!)
Answers:
Helen....I like your "lady".....is that your new image?????........that pink dress looks good.......................
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Ha Ha, Thanks Pammie, I was so tickled that I found my pretty lady. There's quite a story behind
why I was so tickled in finding her. When I was much much younger, probably your age, I bought
some false eyelashes. Well, I had a heck of a time putting them on especially to have them stick
in the corners of my eyes. They kept sticking straight out. That wouldn't do to have the middle section
stay down as it should & the ends sticking straight out, sooooo, I kept removing them & adding more
glue. This happened several times, removing & adding more glue. I was determined, as I was going
to a party & I wanted to look real pretty. So I finally suceeded. All through the evening I would
flutter my eyelashes. Well I fluttered them so many times that one eyelash was partly off & stuck straight
out & the other got glued down & I couldn't open my eye. Oh I sure was real pretty then. :) At least
I became the life of the party as everyone was laughing so hard at how I looked, it took my friends
years to get over it. I wish I could of seen what I looked like. :)
I'll interchange her with my "tweety bird".
Answers:
Helen-----That was a very funny story, laughing as I type(thank you for the laugh). I have a similiar story:
A friend of mine was at the all important interview part of the "beauty pageant".....all dressed up trying to impress all the judges................as she was eating, one of her lashes feel into her soup. She didn't want to pick it out with her fingers and she thought no one noticed that it fell, so she just ate it!!!!!!!!Can you imagine???????LOL
Answers:
That one reminds me of a funny. A friend was wearing some of those artificial nails. We were serving at a Church Mother, Daughter supper. Somewhere during the evening she realized one of her nails was missing. No one ever said a word and we don't know who "found" it.
Dove
Answers:
My DH just reminded me of another. I was so embarrassed. We were in a fancy Restaurant with a group celebrating a couples Anniversary. I can't remember where I found it, but I was playing with a rubber band. It broke, and flew,.........right into another table where it landed in someone's soup. They had no idea where it came from.......but everyone at my table did. They still check me for rubber bands before they will go into a restaurant with me.
Dove
Answers:
Hahahaha!!! I love all these stories but eating the eyelash has em all beat!!! eww!!
I thing I would have just pushed it down in the soup and pretened I was'nt hungry for the soup!!!
hahhahahaaa!!!
Answers:
ok this is a good one also,,,my husband and i were on a little vacation,,,,i said lets go big and not care how expensive the is,so we sit down,and we order,the young guy said now,the salad bar is over there,,,we go and i usually don't have much salad,,but i said why not ,'i'll have some,,,we both go back to the table and i lokk and my nail is gone half of it,,,artificial,,,he said oh no,i can't believe you wear them stupid things i said shuit up i think it fell in the salad,,he said your not going to go back there are you,,i said yes i need it,,,,come with me and help me look,,,well all people were there and making salads,,,i saw it ,,,i looked at him,,i scooped it right up,,,,,,,nearly peed my pants,,all the way back to the table.,got the glue out and was all set.
This i'll make short,,,had a party in the yard and made salads,potatoe salad,,,and i knew i lost my nail again ,,,well i didn't know where this time or when,,,so we are outside in my yard and my girlfriend said let me see your hands,,,i said why,she said are you missing a nail,,i said yes,,,she said well it's in my mouth,,,,,that time i did pee in,,,we all did.......arl
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) It's funny how one story leads into another... I laughed through all of
them except eating the lash that fell into the soup, with that one I said
yuk... :D
Dove, remind me not to be in a restaurant & sit in front of you. Ha Ha
Answers:
http://www.netlaughter.com/halloween/halloween.cfm
Answers:
Veeeeeery funny ladies...all of them !!
Keep them comming please......
Sunny regards,
Iris :)
Answers:
**** A B I R D ' S L I F E * * * ************************************************** **
In the beginning, there was The Bird. And The Bird was in darkness,
for the Cage was covered, and there was naught to see.
And The Bird was pissed about this situation, and demanded that the Cage be Uncovered, and that there should be light.
And The Bird sayeth.....
'BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWKKKKKKKK! '
And, lo, this cry did shatter the morning silence, and the Ears of The
Owner were rent asunder, and the sleep of The Owner did dissipate
And it came to pass, that The Cage was Uncovered by the Owner,
and thus light did flood in, and The Bird saw that all was Good.
Well, almost.......
For in the light of the Uncovered Cage, The Bird beheld that the
Food Dish was forsaken of food...there was naught within.
And boy, The Bird was wroth with perturbment, and thus sayeth the bird: 'Oh, mere mortal Owner, is thou so stupid as to forget my morning repast, as is my right to demand of you?'
But the Owner knew not the divine language, and it only sounded like
'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK K!'
to her. (mostly because her ears had been rent asunder earlier)
And as it was the will of The Bird, the food and the water dishes were
taken away, and ritually washed and dried. The divine repast of
Pesticide-Free Organic Produce, Dried Fruit, Berries, Nuts and
Expensive Pellets was duly prepared, and thus presented before
The Bird.
And the Bird looked upon the great feast with one round, dark eye, and decided to become mortally afraid of Carrots, even though The Bird
had eaten Carrots since time unending. And thus, were the Carrots flung down from the Cage, to roll under the sofa, to go unnoticed by The Owner and decay there. This action much pleased The Bird, and henceforth, The Bird took great Joy in flinging All Manner Of Objects out of The Cage and Onto The Floor.
The Bird saw that this was good and proclaimed
'BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWKKKK!'
So that The Owner and All The World would know.
(Maybe not the *whole* world, but everyone on the next three blocks
sure as hell knew about it.)
And The Bird knew by Divine Avian Logic that if he did not care for the
prepared morning repast, he was entitled to feast upon books, heirloom furniture and Small Children (not necessarily in that order). But today, having flung away all the Carrots, the bird deemed the repast edible, and lo, did make a gourmand of itself, and ate the whole thing, and was done.
But with the morning repast finished, and nothing left to fling,
The Bird soon became bored. It was time to go Beyond The Cage, as this was also the divine right of the bird, to wander the living area of The Owner, and Poop Upon All He Observed, floor, furniture, man, woman, or child.
For The Bird possessed The Owner, and by all Avian Logic, The Bird did possess anything that The Owner possessed, even if The Owner had
A Big Mac, and was eating it, The Bird was in all rights able to take the
Big Mac from the owner, and of course, Fling It Down Onto The Floor,
and, even better, Poop Upon It.
And so sayeth the bird 'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWKKKKKKKK!'
and hence, the owner came running, and made the door of The Cage
to be Open.
And The Owner said unto The Bird, 'UP!' and The Bird did, in all it's sublime glory, step upon The Hand of The Owner. And the bird was much pleased, and did happily make a noise of contentment, and all was good, and quiet and peaceful (for the next three seconds).
But, as The Bird sat upon The Hand of The Owner, The Bird beheld that there was, abiding in the Living room, upon the sofa, The Significant
Other of The Owner. And The Heart of The Bird was filled with a great and dour jealously, and The Bird did henceforth swear to try to Devour The Significant Other At Every Opportunity and would forever, see that
The Significant Other suffered Pain from the Beak of The Bird, and Poop from the Other End. And the Bird looked upon the Significant Other, and said:
'BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWKKKKKK'
in an exceeding loud voice, which caused the Significant Other to spill
his soda all over. And The Bird Saw That This Was Not Only Good, But
Pretty Damn Funny, Too. And henceforth, The Bird would Scream whenever The Significant Other would dare to be in the same area as The Bird (within a 10 mile radius).
And then it came to pass, that The Bird was removed from the Hand of The Owner, and The Feet of The Bird came to rest upon the perch of the playpen that was solely The Bird's. And such were the delights in the Eyes of The Bird. A swing, a chain, wood to chew, and many things to fling. And there came upon the land, A Miracle, and that Miracle was named Silence, and Silence ensued for the next two hours, whilst The Bird did Amuse Itself and Play quietly.
And while this was, the owner did carefully clean The Cage and
removed the Poop from therein, and made the cage to be most immaculate.
As time passed, The Bird was made weary from all the difficulties
involved in the job of being a Divine Creature. And so The Bird, going
quietly unobserved, did clamber down from It's pen, and make to It's cage, where It took a nap.
And The Owner looked upon the playpen, and saw that The Bird
did not abide within or upon, and The Owner was fraught with fear, thinking that The Bird had either devoured itself whole or that The Significant Other Had Indeed, Meted Out A Terrible Punishment Upon The Bird, And The Bird Was Now A Fancy-Colored Featherduster. And The Owner did set up such a great and Sorrowful keening, that it caused The Bird to awake, and Screech loudly for being disturbed during such an important job as a nap. And, lo, the Owner was soothed, and The Bird returned to It's nap.
And when the time for the nap had passed, and The Bird was now Awake, Refreshed, and Hell-Bent For Leather, The Bird did cleverly let itself out of The Cage (for no implement of any mere mortal could hold it) and sought out something for to destroy.
And it came to pass that The Bird ate a $100 dollar Technics Stereo
Speaker, and lo, a miracle it was that The Bird was not electrocuted into something resembling Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And the Owner was sore annoyed by The Bird's action, and Cursed
and Decried the Bird, and The Bird was returned to The Cage, where
It did Sulk for an Hour unmitigated.
So the rays of sunlight coming through the window, did grow long, and Orange in color, and The Bird saw that it was time for the evening repast, and was given a divine meal, in the bowl.
But The Bird soon became sore displeased, when it noted that The Owner was possessed of a Golden Dragon dinner....Chinese Take-Out, and The Bird did upset the dish into the Bottom of The Cage, and
thereupon did fling All out from The Cage, and Scream until it was soothed with a large piece of Family-Style Bean Curd.
And then The Bird did go along with The Owner to Watch X-Files, and soon became Weary and demanded to go to bed.
The Bird retired to The Cage, which was covered, and The Bird saw that this Darkness was warm, and comfortable, and was Good in the eyes of The bird (which were getting heavy, and sleepy) and The Bird did drift off to sleep.
And in the end, there a Puffy, Sleeping Bird, with It's Head Tucked Under It's Wing, and all was quiet until the next morning....when everything started all over again...
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1 Attachment(s) Now Now "Pretty Boy" be good. LOL
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Thought ya might enjoy this!
Mom's Chicken Noodle Soup
1 Can Campbell's Original Chicken Noodle Soup
1 Can water
1/2 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Pepper
1 Box Saltine Crackers
1 Couch or Bed
1 TV/VCR
Put soup, water, salt & pepper in a pot on the stove, or
in the microwave. Heat until it's HOT. Put it in a bowl,
grab the crackers, and head for a couch/bed within site of the TV.
Serve with tons of Water and/or 7-Up.
VEG Out.
Patsi's favorite comfort food:
GRANDMA JOHNSON'S MILK TOAST
Toast two pieces of white bread.
Break into pieces in a bowl.
Add hot milk, butter,
lots of sugar and cinnamon.
It got me through LOTS of winter colds!
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Mom's White Hair!
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her
mother has several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast to her
brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your
hairs white, Mommy?"
Mommy replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for
a while and then asked,
"Mommy, how come all of grandma's hairs are
white?":D
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Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really, Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
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Sally and Lottie.................funny ..............LOL...
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1 Attachment(s) Sally & Lottie, I'm still laughing, very funny!!!
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> Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
> environmental encounters:
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
> listened to the instructor declare, " It is essential that husbands
and
> wives know the things that are important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
> flower?"
>
> Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered . . .
> "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?
>
> And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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LETTER FROM A , NOW AT PARIS ISLAND, WEST VIRGINIA FARM KID AT A MARINE
>CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT
>
>Dear Ma and Pa:
>
>I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
>Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
>quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
>because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
>like to sleep late.
>
>Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
>shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
>split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not
>so bad, there's warm water.
>
>Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
>etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
>pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
>between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
>you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
>can't walk much.
>
>We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks
>to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
>A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
>guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice,
>but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The
>Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and
>frown. They don't bother you none.
>
>This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
>for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
>chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the
>Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
>hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then
>we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
>with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
>easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
>best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
>Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
>and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
>
>Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
>onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
>Your loving daughter, Mary Lou
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1 Attachment(s) "Your loving daughter"???? Ha, I expected it to read, "Your Loving Son". It's very
funny Molly...
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