Question:
C'mon folks, lets get this thread cranking and contribute for everyones enjoyment, God knows we all need a giggle at times in our situation.
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the tool who pushed me in!"
------------ The Price Of Wisdom -------------
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can
knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply
rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you
just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
:D
One afternoon a priest and Rabbi were playing a particularly competitive game of chess. During the course of play the priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him. “Tell me the truth now. Can you honestly tell me that in your entire life you have never once had a bite of ham?”
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and then replies. “As a matter of fact, once when I was in college I was hungry and happened to be near a deli and I bought a ham sandwich. I must admit that it was pretty good. But now tell me the truth. In all of your years have you ever, you know… experienced a woman?”
The priest blushes a bit and then confesses. “Yes, once before I was ordained and while I was in college I must confess that I was with a woman.”
The Rabbi then leans over to the priest with a big smile. “Much better than the ham, isn’t it??”
Originally posted by jeffraley
One afternoon............ :D Hahahaha
CNN reports that now that American B-52s have reorganized Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the remaining Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.
These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgoinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerazz-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Taf***-Wuzi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Ima-Dedshmuck
:D
s
A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."
"What? He had two *******s?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.'"
(Kim: last time I saw that letter, there was a PS: I was going to send you $10, but I'd already sealed the envelope :D)
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a
torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Sushi anyone?
ROTFL!! ...I loved the Nemo sushi...but then I have a sick sense of humor :D
Drunken Car Theft.............................
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were
dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said
with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
:D
S
HAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Attachment(s) Two men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter greets thame and goes to show them to their new homes. He turns to teh first man and says" OK Jim, you went to mass 75% of the time. Not to good so you get a small condo to live in. Since you cheated on your wife twice, you get to drive a small Hundai".
Turning to Bob, St. Pete looked impressed and said "Well, since you never missed mass once in your life, you will be living in that mansion on top of the hill; and since you were faithful to your wife, hear is your limo & driver to bring you there!".
The next day Jim ran into Bob and found him in tears. "What's wrong Bob? You have this great hous and a limo for all eternity, what can be so bad?"
Bob replied "I just passed my wife down the road. She was riding a skateboard!"
Originally posted by spathman
Two men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter greets thame and goes to show them to their new homes. He turns to teh first man and says" OK Jim, you went to mass 75% of the time. Not to good so you get a small condo to live in. Since you cheated on your wife twice, you get to drive a small Hundai".
Turning to Bob, St. Pete looked impressed and said "Well, since you never missed mass once in your life, you will be living in that mansion on top of the hill; and since you were faithful to your wife, hear is your limo & driver to bring you there!".
The next day Jim ran into Bob and found him in tears. "What's wrong Bob? You have this great hous and a limo for all eternity, what can be so bad?"
Bob replied "I just passed my wife down the road. She was riding a skateboard!"
Hahahahahhahahhahahhahahaha,
Jim, had his ear cut off.
Naturally, work was immediately stopped and all the workers went about looking for this poor bloke's ear.
Eventually, somebody found an ear on the ground and holds it up, saying "I've found it, I've found it!"
To which Jim replies; "No, that ain't mine. My ear had a pencil behind it!"
S
1 Attachment(s) For Deber;
A some what ditsy blond returns home from the bar one night and finds her house broken into. She calss 911 and is instructed to wait outside for the police. She leaves the house and sits on the front steps.
Five minutes later, the K9 unit pulls up. The dog jumps out, and the officer gets out and stands behind the dog. The blond sees this and screams in discust "Great, they sent a blind cop to try and find the rober."
Originally posted by spathman
For Deber;
A some what ditsy blond returns home from the bar one night and finds her house broken into. She calss 911 and is instructed to wait outside for the police. She leaves the house and sits on the front steps.
Five minutes later, the K9 unit pulls up. The dog jumps out, and the officer gets out and stands behind the dog. The blond sees this and screams in discust "Great, they sent a blind cop to try and find the rober."
ewwwwwwwwwww............ hahahahahahhahahahahahahah, I like it and can't wait for the response. :D
S
A man is on a train and is carrying three babies.
The lady sitting next to
him asks, "Are they your babies?" The man lowers his
head and says, "No, Ma'am I
work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
Originally posted by LottieBay
A man is on a train and is carrying three babies.
The lady sitting next to
him asks, "Are they your babies?" The man lowers his
head and says, "No, Ma'am I
work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
Hahahahahahahahaha,
What's the definition of SPEED ??????
Skidmarks in front of the Dunny,
S
A young man come home from work only to find his wife of one year sitting on the front step of their home with her bags packed as she was leaving.
In tears he ask her where are you going?
She says she's going to Las Vegas.
Why?
His wife says, I heard I can get five hundred dollars a night for what I give you for free.
With that he runs into the house and comes out with is bags pack.
Where do you think you're going she said.
I'm going to Las Vegas too. I want to see how you can live on a thousand dollars a year!
Rosy,
HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Attachment(s) A man and awoman who have been married seven years finaly admit they can not conceive. They opt to adopt a three year old boy. The night the boy arrives, the wife sits the husband down. "Look", she starts, "for teh past seven years we were alone and we were very open about discussing making love. With our new sonn, we need a code word to let the other know we're in the mood. How about we use the phrase 'washing machine'." It was agreed.
The next evining the husband caught his bride bent over the tub, shirt soaked giving Jr. his bath. Washing machine he cried. "you can't be serious, can you wait?". He does.
20 minutes latter, she's putting Jr. to sleep, swaying her hips to rock him. Washing machine the husband wispers. "When he's asleep" was the reply.
Next it was in the hall way, "OK washing machine" he said. "Please" she replied " give me a few minutes to rest & freshen up".
Half an hour late she pops into the living room in a skimpy outfit to find her husband watching TV. "How about that washing machine now hon?" she asked.
He replyed "it was a small load, so I washed it by hand."
What's the definition of speed ????????????
Skidmarks in front of the dunny :eek:
:D
Ok ok, I need a drink.
S
There once was a blind man who decided to visit
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt
the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything
is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided
to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he
ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked
the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
There was an accident at an industrial site one day when one of the workers, Jim, had his ear cut off.
Naturally, work was immediately stopped and all the workers went about looking for this poor bloke's ear.
Eventually, somebody found an ear on the ground and holds it up, saying "I've found it, I've found it!"
To which Jim replies; "No, that ain't mine. My ear had a pencil behind it!"
Faster than a speeding bullet more powerful than a locomotive......
OOOPPPSSS sorry wrong comic! ;)
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the tool who pushed me in!"
Answers:
------------ The Price Of Wisdom -------------
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can
knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply
rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you
just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
:D
Answers:
One afternoon a priest and Rabbi were playing a particularly competitive game of chess. During the course of play the priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him. “Tell me the truth now. Can you honestly tell me that in your entire life you have never once had a bite of ham?”
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and then replies. “As a matter of fact, once when I was in college I was hungry and happened to be near a deli and I bought a ham sandwich. I must admit that it was pretty good. But now tell me the truth. In all of your years have you ever, you know… experienced a woman?”
The priest blushes a bit and then confesses. “Yes, once before I was ordained and while I was in college I must confess that I was with a woman.”
The Rabbi then leans over to the priest with a big smile. “Much better than the ham, isn’t it??”
Answers:
Originally posted by jeffraley
One afternoon............ :D Hahahaha
CNN reports that now that American B-52s have reorganized Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the remaining Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.
These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgoinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerazz-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Taf***-Wuzi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Ima-Dedshmuck
:D
s
Answers:
A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
Answers:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."
"What? He had two *******s?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.'"
Answers:
(Kim: last time I saw that letter, there was a PS: I was going to send you $10, but I'd already sealed the envelope :D)
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a
torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Answers:
Sushi anyone?
Answers:
ROTFL!! ...I loved the Nemo sushi...but then I have a sick sense of humor :D
Answers:
Drunken Car Theft.............................
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were
dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said
with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
:D
S
Answers:
HAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Two men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter greets thame and goes to show them to their new homes. He turns to teh first man and says" OK Jim, you went to mass 75% of the time. Not to good so you get a small condo to live in. Since you cheated on your wife twice, you get to drive a small Hundai".
Turning to Bob, St. Pete looked impressed and said "Well, since you never missed mass once in your life, you will be living in that mansion on top of the hill; and since you were faithful to your wife, hear is your limo & driver to bring you there!".
The next day Jim ran into Bob and found him in tears. "What's wrong Bob? You have this great hous and a limo for all eternity, what can be so bad?"
Bob replied "I just passed my wife down the road. She was riding a skateboard!"
Answers:
Originally posted by spathman
Two men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter greets thame and goes to show them to their new homes. He turns to teh first man and says" OK Jim, you went to mass 75% of the time. Not to good so you get a small condo to live in. Since you cheated on your wife twice, you get to drive a small Hundai".
Turning to Bob, St. Pete looked impressed and said "Well, since you never missed mass once in your life, you will be living in that mansion on top of the hill; and since you were faithful to your wife, hear is your limo & driver to bring you there!".
The next day Jim ran into Bob and found him in tears. "What's wrong Bob? You have this great hous and a limo for all eternity, what can be so bad?"
Bob replied "I just passed my wife down the road. She was riding a skateboard!"
Hahahahahhahahhahahhahahaha,
Jim, had his ear cut off.
Naturally, work was immediately stopped and all the workers went about looking for this poor bloke's ear.
Eventually, somebody found an ear on the ground and holds it up, saying "I've found it, I've found it!"
To which Jim replies; "No, that ain't mine. My ear had a pencil behind it!"
S
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) For Deber;
A some what ditsy blond returns home from the bar one night and finds her house broken into. She calss 911 and is instructed to wait outside for the police. She leaves the house and sits on the front steps.
Five minutes later, the K9 unit pulls up. The dog jumps out, and the officer gets out and stands behind the dog. The blond sees this and screams in discust "Great, they sent a blind cop to try and find the rober."
Answers:
Originally posted by spathman
For Deber;
A some what ditsy blond returns home from the bar one night and finds her house broken into. She calss 911 and is instructed to wait outside for the police. She leaves the house and sits on the front steps.
Five minutes later, the K9 unit pulls up. The dog jumps out, and the officer gets out and stands behind the dog. The blond sees this and screams in discust "Great, they sent a blind cop to try and find the rober."
ewwwwwwwwwww............ hahahahahahhahahahahahahah, I like it and can't wait for the response. :D
S
Answers:
A man is on a train and is carrying three babies.
The lady sitting next to
him asks, "Are they your babies?" The man lowers his
head and says, "No, Ma'am I
work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
Answers:
Originally posted by LottieBay
A man is on a train and is carrying three babies.
The lady sitting next to
him asks, "Are they your babies?" The man lowers his
head and says, "No, Ma'am I
work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
Hahahahahahahahaha,
What's the definition of SPEED ??????
Skidmarks in front of the Dunny,
S
Answers:
A young man come home from work only to find his wife of one year sitting on the front step of their home with her bags packed as she was leaving.
In tears he ask her where are you going?
She says she's going to Las Vegas.
Why?
His wife says, I heard I can get five hundred dollars a night for what I give you for free.
With that he runs into the house and comes out with is bags pack.
Where do you think you're going she said.
I'm going to Las Vegas too. I want to see how you can live on a thousand dollars a year!
Answers:
Rosy,
HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) A man and awoman who have been married seven years finaly admit they can not conceive. They opt to adopt a three year old boy. The night the boy arrives, the wife sits the husband down. "Look", she starts, "for teh past seven years we were alone and we were very open about discussing making love. With our new sonn, we need a code word to let the other know we're in the mood. How about we use the phrase 'washing machine'." It was agreed.
The next evining the husband caught his bride bent over the tub, shirt soaked giving Jr. his bath. Washing machine he cried. "you can't be serious, can you wait?". He does.
20 minutes latter, she's putting Jr. to sleep, swaying her hips to rock him. Washing machine the husband wispers. "When he's asleep" was the reply.
Next it was in the hall way, "OK washing machine" he said. "Please" she replied " give me a few minutes to rest & freshen up".
Half an hour late she pops into the living room in a skimpy outfit to find her husband watching TV. "How about that washing machine now hon?" she asked.
He replyed "it was a small load, so I washed it by hand."
Answers:
What's the definition of speed ????????????
Skidmarks in front of the dunny :eek:
:D
Ok ok, I need a drink.
S
Answers:
There once was a blind man who decided to visit
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt
the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything
is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided
to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he
ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked
the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
Answers:
There was an accident at an industrial site one day when one of the workers, Jim, had his ear cut off.
Naturally, work was immediately stopped and all the workers went about looking for this poor bloke's ear.
Eventually, somebody found an ear on the ground and holds it up, saying "I've found it, I've found it!"
To which Jim replies; "No, that ain't mine. My ear had a pencil behind it!"
Answers:
Faster than a speeding bullet more powerful than a locomotive......
OOOPPPSSS sorry wrong comic! ;)
1 2