Question:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If
> you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
> finished cleaning."
> 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will
> come out of the carpet."
> 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't
> straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
> next week!"
> 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's
> why."
> 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that
> swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store
> with me."
> 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean
> underwear, in case you're in an accident."
> 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give
> you something to cry about."
> 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut
> your mouth and eat your supper."
> 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look
> at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
> 10. My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there
> until all that spinach is gone."
> 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of
> yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
> 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you
> once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
> 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought
> you into this world, and I can take you out."
> 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
> "Stop acting like your father!"
> 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions
> of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
> wonderful parents like you do."
> 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait
> until we get home."
> 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going
> to get it when you get home!"
> 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't
> stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
> way."
> 19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't
> you think I know when you are cold?"
> 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts
> off your toes, don't come running to me."
> 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you
> don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
> 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your
> father."
> 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door
> behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my
> age, you'll understand."
> 25. And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
> "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
> like you!"
>
> Does any of this ring a bell????
ALL OF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR!!!!!! LOL
Yesssiirrreee! I've not only heard it years ago, I also used the same words on my kids. And, I'm willing to bet they are using them now.
lol....what memories....lol
Ooh, scary. I remember most of those. My mum used to say, 'stop pulling faces or the wind will change and you'll stay like that.' I believed her too :rolleyes:
Thanks for the memory check! My mother could hear my hand in the cookie jar no matter what room in the house she was! But my all time favorite was when I was young and would suck on the tips of my hair, she told me "IF you don't stop that, you will get worms in your stomach!" :-)
TALKING POINTS
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...
LOL Molly, that cracked me up :D
:o :o :o :
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you
help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. ( I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the sarcasm)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just the way
he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I know
Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's "little winkie"..........
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!
Helen-
Thanks so much for this!!!! It was really needed!
Helen, Molly and LottieBay: Very Funny!!!! Keep up with the jokes. We need a good laugh now and then! (Or as often as possible!) lol :D
OK, Lottie, I can top your hamster story with 2 true stories of my own:
My son had been begging for a hamster, and I finally gave in. The condition was that we would get one male hamster young enough not to have "gotten into trouble" whilst still in the commune at the pet shop. My first sense of trouble should have been on the way home. The cute little critter had been dutifully placed in a cardboard carrier for the excursion to his new home. We decided to stop for dinner on the way home, and upon returning to the car after our meal, we found one cardboard box with a hole chewed through it, minus the hamster. :confused:
Remaining calm, I advised the family to quickly close all doors and windows to the minivan, with faith that the critter had to be in there somewhere. Sure enough, on the drive home, we could hear little hamster pitter-patters: unfortunately they were coming from inside the dashboard! :rolleyes: After about 2 hours of strategically placed treats throughout the van, and visions of chewed up electrical wiring, the little beast appeared on the back of the drivers' seat, whereupon he was captured and named Houdini.
All remained well for about 2 weeks, when suddenly my son came running into my room one morning to announce that Houdini had babies! ....so much for the one hamster is a safe hamster theory :rolleyes:
My other story involves the female rabbit and 2 female guinea pigs purchased several years later. (Did I mention my home is a zoo?!) As you can probably guess, one of the guinea pigs had a miraculous sex-transformation. This was discovered when the transsexual guinea pig and rabbit both started chasing the female guinea pig around lustfully. The rabbit was discovered to have also had sex-change surgery when he became so excited, certain lower extremities became stuck in overdrive, requiring a rather expensive trip to the vet to diagnose his raging hormones. Needless to say, the rabbit was banned to a separate cage, and we soon had a happy little family of squealers. You'd think I'd learn! :rolleyes:
[Subject: I don't think there is a spell check good enough for this.
> >
> >
> > > This will drive me nuts getting it through the spell check.
> > >
> > >
> > > Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
> > in
> > > waht
> > > oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
> > frist
> > > and
> > > lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
> > you
> > > can
> > > sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
> > lteter
> > > by it
> > > slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Isn't this interesting..... and it seems to be true!
> > >
> > >
vrey itniesretng iended! :D
Hee hee!! Okay, here's another interesting tidbit:
Prove to yourself whether or not you are in control of your right foot! While sitting down, make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will automatically change directions to a counter-clockwise direction! Weird.
> you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
> finished cleaning."
> 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will
> come out of the carpet."
> 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't
> straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
> next week!"
> 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's
> why."
> 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that
> swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store
> with me."
> 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean
> underwear, in case you're in an accident."
> 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give
> you something to cry about."
> 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut
> your mouth and eat your supper."
> 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look
> at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
> 10. My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there
> until all that spinach is gone."
> 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of
> yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
> 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you
> once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
> 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought
> you into this world, and I can take you out."
> 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
> "Stop acting like your father!"
> 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions
> of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
> wonderful parents like you do."
> 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait
> until we get home."
> 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going
> to get it when you get home!"
> 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't
> stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
> way."
> 19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't
> you think I know when you are cold?"
> 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts
> off your toes, don't come running to me."
> 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you
> don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
> 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your
> father."
> 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door
> behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my
> age, you'll understand."
> 25. And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
> "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
> like you!"
>
> Does any of this ring a bell????
Answers:
ALL OF IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR!!!!!! LOL
Answers:
Yesssiirrreee! I've not only heard it years ago, I also used the same words on my kids. And, I'm willing to bet they are using them now.
lol....what memories....lol
Answers:
Ooh, scary. I remember most of those. My mum used to say, 'stop pulling faces or the wind will change and you'll stay like that.' I believed her too :rolleyes:
Answers:
Thanks for the memory check! My mother could hear my hand in the cookie jar no matter what room in the house she was! But my all time favorite was when I was young and would suck on the tips of my hair, she told me "IF you don't stop that, you will get worms in your stomach!" :-)
Answers:
TALKING POINTS
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...
Answers:
LOL Molly, that cracked me up :D
Answers:
:o :o :o :
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you
help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the hamster!"
Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. ( I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the sarcasm)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....masturbate. Just the way
he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I know
Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's "little winkie"..........
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!
Answers:
Helen-
Thanks so much for this!!!! It was really needed!
Answers:
Helen, Molly and LottieBay: Very Funny!!!! Keep up with the jokes. We need a good laugh now and then! (Or as often as possible!) lol :D
Answers:
OK, Lottie, I can top your hamster story with 2 true stories of my own:
My son had been begging for a hamster, and I finally gave in. The condition was that we would get one male hamster young enough not to have "gotten into trouble" whilst still in the commune at the pet shop. My first sense of trouble should have been on the way home. The cute little critter had been dutifully placed in a cardboard carrier for the excursion to his new home. We decided to stop for dinner on the way home, and upon returning to the car after our meal, we found one cardboard box with a hole chewed through it, minus the hamster. :confused:
Remaining calm, I advised the family to quickly close all doors and windows to the minivan, with faith that the critter had to be in there somewhere. Sure enough, on the drive home, we could hear little hamster pitter-patters: unfortunately they were coming from inside the dashboard! :rolleyes: After about 2 hours of strategically placed treats throughout the van, and visions of chewed up electrical wiring, the little beast appeared on the back of the drivers' seat, whereupon he was captured and named Houdini.
All remained well for about 2 weeks, when suddenly my son came running into my room one morning to announce that Houdini had babies! ....so much for the one hamster is a safe hamster theory :rolleyes:
My other story involves the female rabbit and 2 female guinea pigs purchased several years later. (Did I mention my home is a zoo?!) As you can probably guess, one of the guinea pigs had a miraculous sex-transformation. This was discovered when the transsexual guinea pig and rabbit both started chasing the female guinea pig around lustfully. The rabbit was discovered to have also had sex-change surgery when he became so excited, certain lower extremities became stuck in overdrive, requiring a rather expensive trip to the vet to diagnose his raging hormones. Needless to say, the rabbit was banned to a separate cage, and we soon had a happy little family of squealers. You'd think I'd learn! :rolleyes:
Answers:
[Subject: I don't think there is a spell check good enough for this.
> >
> >
> > > This will drive me nuts getting it through the spell check.
> > >
> > >
> > > Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
> > in
> > > waht
> > > oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
> > frist
> > > and
> > > lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
> > you
> > > can
> > > sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
> > lteter
> > > by it
> > > slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Isn't this interesting..... and it seems to be true!
> > >
> > >
Answers:
vrey itniesretng iended! :D
Answers:
Hee hee!! Okay, here's another interesting tidbit:
Prove to yourself whether or not you are in control of your right foot! While sitting down, make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will automatically change directions to a counter-clockwise direction! Weird.
1 2