Question:
I think nrasher had something with the laughter thing, so heres summit to cheers yas up!! Feel free to add more jokes! and sorry its sooooooo long but its funny!
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent.
Don't miss the last one
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q:Were there any girls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Hope this cheered some of ya up!!!!
Thanks, loved it!:D
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Rolling on floor laughing!)
Janelle...you made my night!! Sooooo funny! Will print and show to hubby:)
btw...your pic is so good! Welcome to the gallery.
Barbara
Hi Janelle,
I have seen those before but there always a good laugh. Don’t know if you saw my story in the Youth and Teens forum under the Thread DID YOU KNOW. It should be worth a good laugh. I have another story regarding me and a black widow spider locked in mortal combat in my bathroom but it’s a long story too and I just don’t feel like writing it right now. Too tired to be funny but I will share when I get the chance.
As far a jokes go the only one I got is pull my finger and that one just isn’t the same online. ;)
-Fox
Thanks for the smiles!
This isn't a joke but a cute story to bring a smile....When I was a young girl visiting my grandparents, at the table, my grandfather would say, "Pass the Honeymoon Salad" when making a sandwich. I asked him once what that meant. His reply, "Lett-uce Alone".
;)
Cntw8
This was great!!!
Janelle123--
Thank you so much for the laughs. Working for lawyers everyday I can relate to this humor. It almost makes me want to start reading depositions to add to the list!
Well I'm glad i was able to cheers yas all up, and take your minds off your p even if only for a few mins!!!
Fox - I did read your story in the DID YOU KNOW thread and it was hilarious!! I'd love to hear the one about this black widow spider when ya have the time.
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary.Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
that would be how???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn
upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a
car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, then I’m sorry I offended you...
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”. What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
Oh janelle,
I did laugh till I cried and laughed again till my head hurt. That has to be the funniest story I've ever heard. I needed a good laugh too. I read it to my husband, and he only said it sounded like something I'd do. Wish I had thought of it. Wish I hadn't read it to him!!! I always get him on April Fools Day, and......it would top my best prank on him. I used black electrical tape to tape the sprayer on my sink. When he turned on the water, it hit him in the belly. He turned it off and couldn't figure out where the water came from, so he turned it on again. Full blast. What fun for me. What he doesn't know. I had a Dentist appointment after work and set the faucet up before I left. When I came home I forgot. Yup. I sprayed myself, looked up and he was coming in the drive. I had to wipe the sink, floor and run to change clothes before he got in the house. But, I never told him that......
Janelle, I am NOT going to read anymore of your jokes until AFTER I go to the bathroom...Now see what you did...Hee Hee!!! Just too funny...
Glad you's liked them!! I'll post some more soon!! Have to keep ya's laughing. Maybe it'll cure us! lol ;)
hahahahahahaahhhhhhhhhhh
I think I lost my own guts laughing LOL
That was very funny and now I am going to go shove them back in LOL
Very very funny, liked it alot.
Keep it up I like 'em.
morgan
lahdove,
that story that u shared about the tap... i have done that every year on april fools... and people still forget and fall for it... anyways, this past april fools... i did it again.. it ended up getting 6 people wet... becuz.. the first time... i accidentally did it to myself, then i cleaned up the kitchen but left the tape on.... then my mom and grandma were both in the kitchen, and they both got wet from it, but still didnt take the tape off! then, my dad did it, but forgot to take off the tape, and the same thing happened to my boyfriend, and then to my sister... it was soo funny! we cleaned the kitchen 5 times that day! ha ha ha... another thing that i've done is my mom had 3 bottles of milk, and i put food coloring in them... and she dumped em out cuz they were yellow! and of course, the traditional plastic wrap on the toilet! ha ha ha!
anyways, fun talking!
KimberlyJoy
Ha Ha Y'all are too funny for words, let's see if I can add to it.............
MY COOKBOOK:
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs seperately. The
neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda
silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a
bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me, why I was rolling around in
the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl & beat it. There must have been
something wrong with this recipe caause when I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today & brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven & set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
I woke up at around 8:30 in the morning and lay in bed reading until 9:15, then heaved up out of bed and went about choosing my clothes for the day. This entails pawing through a plastic clothesbasket. Why a clothesbasket? Well, among the many things that I don't have, but that I would like/need, besides a girlfriend, is a chest of drawers. Actually I have 2 clothesbaskets, one for cleans, and the other for dirties. It's not that bad, especially since I could give a damn if my shirts are wrinkled.
I selected a pair of white Jockey briefs, a pair of blue wool socks, my 501's a white Hanes V-neck T-shirt and a blue-gray L.L. Bean mock turtleneck, all of which I brought with me to the bathroom.
Some days I get dressed in my room, some days in the bathroom, it's pretty much a random thing.
Got to the bathroom, dropped the clothes on the floor and proceeded with my morning adulations: "business" was conducted, during which I read 3 more pages of Brideshead Revisited, after which the lid on the toilet was put down and my clothes were put on the lid, a little touch-up work on the previous evenings shave was done with my Mach3, deodorant/antiperspirant was applied, teeth were brushed and I splashed and scrubbed my face with water to get rid of the eye boogers.
Then I removed my light blue Snoopy/JoeCool/Woodstock boxers that currently serve as my pj's and replaced them with the Jockey briefs, followed by the socks and my 501's.
A brief digression to give the reader an idea of the layout of the bathroom and my position in it.
I was standing facing the sink, over which is an oval shaped mirror, with 2 glass light fixtures about 1/2 up on either side of the mirror. The lights were on.
In the back right corner of the sink was a white ceramic toothbrush holder with 2 toothbrushes in it and a small drinking glass and a tube of Colgate toothpaste.
Behind me and slightly to my left was the bathtub/shower, complete with 2 sliding glass doors, which were both closest to me. On the floor in front of the tub was a bathmat, otherwise the floor was wood paneled. The floor had been washed and waxed two day ago, a process that leaves the floor quite slippery, especially if you are wearing socks, which I had just put on.
Now, back to our tale.............
I was buttoning up my 501's when something crawled out of the space between my briefs and my abdomen and stopped on my stomach.
Something black.
Something shiny and black.
Something shiny and black and about an inch long.
Something shiny and black and about an inch long with 8 legs.
I'm not the kind of person who goes to pieces when events take a turn for the worse or when surprises, pleasant or not, rear their multi-tentacle bodies. I've been told that I'm steady and that I stay on a fairly even keel and that my calm/thoughtful/reasoned/stoic/thoughtful behavior has helped to calm other people down.
In other words I don't run around the room banging off the walls and furniture flailing my arms through the air, while emitting what can best be described as a mountain lions really bad imitation of an air raid siren when it has pneumonia and a head cold.
None of that foolishness for me.
I'm a rock.
Almost 90, no 95% of the time.
Unfortunately, the next few minutes fell into that other 5%.
My brain was looking at the shiny, black, inch long spider on my stomach and was thinking the following: "There's a spider on our stomach. It fits the description of a black widow spider. 'Shiny?' 'Check.' 'Black?' 'Check.' 'About an inch long?' 'Check.' 'Red hourglass shape on its abdomen?' 'Can't tell, 'cause it's sitting face up, but I'd say it's a better then 50% chance.' Well, it doesn't have to be a black widow; it could be one of the other members of the widow family. Besides the black widow of which there are at least 3 different types, there is the red widow, and the brown widow. I think the black widow is the most venomous of all the widows..."
While my brain was showing off to itself with all of the information it had on widow spiders, it's control over my body was overthrown in a silent, painless coup, instigated by my spinal cord, instincts, reflexes, adrenal glands and automatic nervous system, with the fight or flight response along for the ride.
Will, is the name of the guy in charge of my spinal cord and involuntary nervous system. Due to cutbacks, 2 years ago he also took on supervisor duties for my reflexes and instincts. It's actually a pretty good job, although he doesn't have to do a lot as the systems tend to run themselves very smoothly, everything pretty much runs on automatic pilot. For the last 3 years or so there haven't been any major crisis or dramas to deal with, which has given Will a good bit of free time, which he fills by shooting some hoops, reading from the ever growing stack of graphic novels and books he has at his side, surfing the 'Net, indulging in his ongoing and never-ending quest for the worlds perfect Gin 'n Tonic and trying to learn how to play the sitar.
He also tries to catch up on the 10 years of naps that he didn’t get to take when he was 5-15.
So he falls occasionally asleep at his control desk.
I can understand that. I did the same thing occasionally back when I had an office job.
While my brain was thinking to itself, "There's a spider on our stomach....", milliseconds after my spinal cord registered that phrase, Will jerked awake, fell out of his chair and hit his head on the control desk. He didn't even bother to stand up but flicked the EMERGENCY OVERRIDE switch that he had installed under the desk. Then he punched the big red EMERGENCY button in the center of the console, flicked the sound system and loudspeakers on and screamed into the microphone, "SPIDER!!!!! SPIDER!!!!!!! SPIDER! GET IT OFF! OFF, OFF, OFF, OFF.
The human body can do amazing things when instinct, reflexes and adrenaline take over.
Amazing things.
However, when you add the "fight or flight response" to the other 3, especially adrenaline, things tend to go to bits.
Things can get ugly and crazy very quickly.
Which is what happened to me.
At the same time that my spinal cord had pulled off its coup, in addition to everything else, it also got control of my speech center. This resulted in my yelling/screaming/yawping what my brain thought was coherent and understandable speech along the lines of "SPIDER!!!!! BLACK WIDOW SPIDER !!! Get it off!!!Now! Don't just stand there, do something!!!", but what actually came out of my mouth was something that sounded approximately like this: "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG - LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSS - NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN -
My right arm swept down across my stomach, apparently in an attempt to sweep the spider off my stomach. This it failed to do. Also, my arm swung with such force that my body was forced to turn so that it more or less was facing the toilet.
Did I mention that the floor had been washed and waxed and was therefore extra slippery, especially if you were wearing socks?
I did? Good.
Did I mention that I was wearing socks?
I did? Good.
The socks caused me to slip on the wood floor and start falling to my left, towards the sliding glass shower doors.
The doors momentarily stopped my downward momentum, but then shattered and my fall was finally broken when I used my left arm as a brace against the tile wall on the far side of the tub. I straightened up and turned back to the mirror, while scraping both hands across my stomach in an attempt to scrape/squish the widow off of my stomach. My hands swept up off my stomach and shattered both light fixtures on either side of the mirror, plunging the room into mild darkness.
While all this was going on, I was continuing to warble/screech/scream like a very drunk and highly agitated lion.
I looked at my stomach. The widow wasn't there. I looked at the walls, ceiling and floor. No sign of the widow.
Then I looked at my hands. There on the palm of my left hand, sat the widow. It looked like at least 2 of its legs were broken/damaged, which meant there seemed to be a good chance that it was pissed off, which could lead to it biting me.
I held my left hand over the sink, palm facing down at a slight angle. I formed an "O" with my right thumb and forefinger and flicked the widow off my palm into the sink, where it landed on it's back.
On it's abdomen was a red hourglass shape. It struggled to flip itself upright and I saw that 2 of its legs were indeed damaged. I turned on the faucet and splashed water on the widow and it disappeared down the drain, only to reappear. I splashed more water and managed to knock the toothbrush holder and glass into the sink where they both shattered. This time, when the widow disappeared down the drain it didn't make a return appearance.
It took a good 5 minutes for me to get my breathing semi-under control, at which time I noticed that A) There was a lot of broken glass on the floor, in the sink and in the bathtub, B) There was a good deal of blood splattered on the walls, the toilet, the door, the mirror, the tub and the floor, C) I was bleeding quite heavily in at least 3 places on my left shoulder, left arm and left hand.
It was a bit tricky getting out of the bathroom without stepping on a shard of glass and slicing my foot open, but I managed. Then I called my mom an informed her that I had had an accident/problem and I needed some help.
Sorry about the length of the story. It happen 8 years ago so details were sketchy. I also wrote it at 4:30am so my brain wasn't at full power yet. I also had to edit as I found that the board as a 10.000 character limit on posts and original post was 2,500 characters over so I hope it still makes sense. Too early to really proof read well.
-Fox
Fox,
If you don't write for a living........You Should!
I agree!
raynard_the_fox,
oh my gosh! thats so hilarious!!!! ha ha ha... even though it took forever to read... it was worth it... man... that was the best thing i've heard in a while! u brightened my day! thx!
KimberlyJoy
These are all fantastic!!! Thanks so much for the laughs. Okay, my cheeks and stomach hurt now from laughing so much!!:D
Lynne
Thanks dove I glad you enjoyed it.
I don’t know about for a living but I have always enjoyed writing a little comedy. The closes I came was when I wrote a satire column for school paper.
-Fox
Ya I liked to do news like this.
WooooWOoooo
Atleast I dont live in oakland. :D
-Fox
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent.
Don't miss the last one
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q:Were there any girls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Hope this cheered some of ya up!!!!
Answers:
Thanks, loved it!:D
Answers:
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Rolling on floor laughing!)
Janelle...you made my night!! Sooooo funny! Will print and show to hubby:)
btw...your pic is so good! Welcome to the gallery.
Barbara
Answers:
Hi Janelle,
I have seen those before but there always a good laugh. Don’t know if you saw my story in the Youth and Teens forum under the Thread DID YOU KNOW. It should be worth a good laugh. I have another story regarding me and a black widow spider locked in mortal combat in my bathroom but it’s a long story too and I just don’t feel like writing it right now. Too tired to be funny but I will share when I get the chance.
As far a jokes go the only one I got is pull my finger and that one just isn’t the same online. ;)
-Fox
Answers:
Thanks for the smiles!
This isn't a joke but a cute story to bring a smile....When I was a young girl visiting my grandparents, at the table, my grandfather would say, "Pass the Honeymoon Salad" when making a sandwich. I asked him once what that meant. His reply, "Lett-uce Alone".
;)
Cntw8
Answers:
This was great!!!
Answers:
Janelle123--
Thank you so much for the laughs. Working for lawyers everyday I can relate to this humor. It almost makes me want to start reading depositions to add to the list!
Answers:
Well I'm glad i was able to cheers yas all up, and take your minds off your p even if only for a few mins!!!
Fox - I did read your story in the DID YOU KNOW thread and it was hilarious!! I'd love to hear the one about this black widow spider when ya have the time.
Answers:
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary.Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
that would be how???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn
upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a
car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
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On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
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On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
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On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
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On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, then I’m sorry I offended you...
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”. What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
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Oh janelle,
I did laugh till I cried and laughed again till my head hurt. That has to be the funniest story I've ever heard. I needed a good laugh too. I read it to my husband, and he only said it sounded like something I'd do. Wish I had thought of it. Wish I hadn't read it to him!!! I always get him on April Fools Day, and......it would top my best prank on him. I used black electrical tape to tape the sprayer on my sink. When he turned on the water, it hit him in the belly. He turned it off and couldn't figure out where the water came from, so he turned it on again. Full blast. What fun for me. What he doesn't know. I had a Dentist appointment after work and set the faucet up before I left. When I came home I forgot. Yup. I sprayed myself, looked up and he was coming in the drive. I had to wipe the sink, floor and run to change clothes before he got in the house. But, I never told him that......
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Janelle, I am NOT going to read anymore of your jokes until AFTER I go to the bathroom...Now see what you did...Hee Hee!!! Just too funny...
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Glad you's liked them!! I'll post some more soon!! Have to keep ya's laughing. Maybe it'll cure us! lol ;)
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hahahahahahaahhhhhhhhhhh
I think I lost my own guts laughing LOL
That was very funny and now I am going to go shove them back in LOL
Very very funny, liked it alot.
Keep it up I like 'em.
morgan
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lahdove,
that story that u shared about the tap... i have done that every year on april fools... and people still forget and fall for it... anyways, this past april fools... i did it again.. it ended up getting 6 people wet... becuz.. the first time... i accidentally did it to myself, then i cleaned up the kitchen but left the tape on.... then my mom and grandma were both in the kitchen, and they both got wet from it, but still didnt take the tape off! then, my dad did it, but forgot to take off the tape, and the same thing happened to my boyfriend, and then to my sister... it was soo funny! we cleaned the kitchen 5 times that day! ha ha ha... another thing that i've done is my mom had 3 bottles of milk, and i put food coloring in them... and she dumped em out cuz they were yellow! and of course, the traditional plastic wrap on the toilet! ha ha ha!
anyways, fun talking!
KimberlyJoy
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Ha Ha Y'all are too funny for words, let's see if I can add to it.............
MY COOKBOOK:
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs seperately. The
neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda
silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a
bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me, why I was rolling around in
the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl & beat it. There must have been
something wrong with this recipe caause when I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today & brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven & set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out
a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
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I woke up at around 8:30 in the morning and lay in bed reading until 9:15, then heaved up out of bed and went about choosing my clothes for the day. This entails pawing through a plastic clothesbasket. Why a clothesbasket? Well, among the many things that I don't have, but that I would like/need, besides a girlfriend, is a chest of drawers. Actually I have 2 clothesbaskets, one for cleans, and the other for dirties. It's not that bad, especially since I could give a damn if my shirts are wrinkled.
I selected a pair of white Jockey briefs, a pair of blue wool socks, my 501's a white Hanes V-neck T-shirt and a blue-gray L.L. Bean mock turtleneck, all of which I brought with me to the bathroom.
Some days I get dressed in my room, some days in the bathroom, it's pretty much a random thing.
Got to the bathroom, dropped the clothes on the floor and proceeded with my morning adulations: "business" was conducted, during which I read 3 more pages of Brideshead Revisited, after which the lid on the toilet was put down and my clothes were put on the lid, a little touch-up work on the previous evenings shave was done with my Mach3, deodorant/antiperspirant was applied, teeth were brushed and I splashed and scrubbed my face with water to get rid of the eye boogers.
Then I removed my light blue Snoopy/JoeCool/Woodstock boxers that currently serve as my pj's and replaced them with the Jockey briefs, followed by the socks and my 501's.
A brief digression to give the reader an idea of the layout of the bathroom and my position in it.
I was standing facing the sink, over which is an oval shaped mirror, with 2 glass light fixtures about 1/2 up on either side of the mirror. The lights were on.
In the back right corner of the sink was a white ceramic toothbrush holder with 2 toothbrushes in it and a small drinking glass and a tube of Colgate toothpaste.
Behind me and slightly to my left was the bathtub/shower, complete with 2 sliding glass doors, which were both closest to me. On the floor in front of the tub was a bathmat, otherwise the floor was wood paneled. The floor had been washed and waxed two day ago, a process that leaves the floor quite slippery, especially if you are wearing socks, which I had just put on.
Now, back to our tale.............
I was buttoning up my 501's when something crawled out of the space between my briefs and my abdomen and stopped on my stomach.
Something black.
Something shiny and black.
Something shiny and black and about an inch long.
Something shiny and black and about an inch long with 8 legs.
I'm not the kind of person who goes to pieces when events take a turn for the worse or when surprises, pleasant or not, rear their multi-tentacle bodies. I've been told that I'm steady and that I stay on a fairly even keel and that my calm/thoughtful/reasoned/stoic/thoughtful behavior has helped to calm other people down.
In other words I don't run around the room banging off the walls and furniture flailing my arms through the air, while emitting what can best be described as a mountain lions really bad imitation of an air raid siren when it has pneumonia and a head cold.
None of that foolishness for me.
I'm a rock.
Almost 90, no 95% of the time.
Unfortunately, the next few minutes fell into that other 5%.
My brain was looking at the shiny, black, inch long spider on my stomach and was thinking the following: "There's a spider on our stomach. It fits the description of a black widow spider. 'Shiny?' 'Check.' 'Black?' 'Check.' 'About an inch long?' 'Check.' 'Red hourglass shape on its abdomen?' 'Can't tell, 'cause it's sitting face up, but I'd say it's a better then 50% chance.' Well, it doesn't have to be a black widow; it could be one of the other members of the widow family. Besides the black widow of which there are at least 3 different types, there is the red widow, and the brown widow. I think the black widow is the most venomous of all the widows..."
While my brain was showing off to itself with all of the information it had on widow spiders, it's control over my body was overthrown in a silent, painless coup, instigated by my spinal cord, instincts, reflexes, adrenal glands and automatic nervous system, with the fight or flight response along for the ride.
Will, is the name of the guy in charge of my spinal cord and involuntary nervous system. Due to cutbacks, 2 years ago he also took on supervisor duties for my reflexes and instincts. It's actually a pretty good job, although he doesn't have to do a lot as the systems tend to run themselves very smoothly, everything pretty much runs on automatic pilot. For the last 3 years or so there haven't been any major crisis or dramas to deal with, which has given Will a good bit of free time, which he fills by shooting some hoops, reading from the ever growing stack of graphic novels and books he has at his side, surfing the 'Net, indulging in his ongoing and never-ending quest for the worlds perfect Gin 'n Tonic and trying to learn how to play the sitar.
He also tries to catch up on the 10 years of naps that he didn’t get to take when he was 5-15.
So he falls occasionally asleep at his control desk.
I can understand that. I did the same thing occasionally back when I had an office job.
While my brain was thinking to itself, "There's a spider on our stomach....", milliseconds after my spinal cord registered that phrase, Will jerked awake, fell out of his chair and hit his head on the control desk. He didn't even bother to stand up but flicked the EMERGENCY OVERRIDE switch that he had installed under the desk. Then he punched the big red EMERGENCY button in the center of the console, flicked the sound system and loudspeakers on and screamed into the microphone, "SPIDER!!!!! SPIDER!!!!!!! SPIDER! GET IT OFF! OFF, OFF, OFF, OFF.
The human body can do amazing things when instinct, reflexes and adrenaline take over.
Amazing things.
However, when you add the "fight or flight response" to the other 3, especially adrenaline, things tend to go to bits.
Things can get ugly and crazy very quickly.
Which is what happened to me.
At the same time that my spinal cord had pulled off its coup, in addition to everything else, it also got control of my speech center. This resulted in my yelling/screaming/yawping what my brain thought was coherent and understandable speech along the lines of "SPIDER!!!!! BLACK WIDOW SPIDER !!! Get it off!!!Now! Don't just stand there, do something!!!", but what actually came out of my mouth was something that sounded approximately like this: "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG - LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSS - NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN -
My right arm swept down across my stomach, apparently in an attempt to sweep the spider off my stomach. This it failed to do. Also, my arm swung with such force that my body was forced to turn so that it more or less was facing the toilet.
Did I mention that the floor had been washed and waxed and was therefore extra slippery, especially if you were wearing socks?
I did? Good.
Did I mention that I was wearing socks?
I did? Good.
The socks caused me to slip on the wood floor and start falling to my left, towards the sliding glass shower doors.
The doors momentarily stopped my downward momentum, but then shattered and my fall was finally broken when I used my left arm as a brace against the tile wall on the far side of the tub. I straightened up and turned back to the mirror, while scraping both hands across my stomach in an attempt to scrape/squish the widow off of my stomach. My hands swept up off my stomach and shattered both light fixtures on either side of the mirror, plunging the room into mild darkness.
While all this was going on, I was continuing to warble/screech/scream like a very drunk and highly agitated lion.
I looked at my stomach. The widow wasn't there. I looked at the walls, ceiling and floor. No sign of the widow.
Then I looked at my hands. There on the palm of my left hand, sat the widow. It looked like at least 2 of its legs were broken/damaged, which meant there seemed to be a good chance that it was pissed off, which could lead to it biting me.
I held my left hand over the sink, palm facing down at a slight angle. I formed an "O" with my right thumb and forefinger and flicked the widow off my palm into the sink, where it landed on it's back.
On it's abdomen was a red hourglass shape. It struggled to flip itself upright and I saw that 2 of its legs were indeed damaged. I turned on the faucet and splashed water on the widow and it disappeared down the drain, only to reappear. I splashed more water and managed to knock the toothbrush holder and glass into the sink where they both shattered. This time, when the widow disappeared down the drain it didn't make a return appearance.
It took a good 5 minutes for me to get my breathing semi-under control, at which time I noticed that A) There was a lot of broken glass on the floor, in the sink and in the bathtub, B) There was a good deal of blood splattered on the walls, the toilet, the door, the mirror, the tub and the floor, C) I was bleeding quite heavily in at least 3 places on my left shoulder, left arm and left hand.
It was a bit tricky getting out of the bathroom without stepping on a shard of glass and slicing my foot open, but I managed. Then I called my mom an informed her that I had had an accident/problem and I needed some help.
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Sorry about the length of the story. It happen 8 years ago so details were sketchy. I also wrote it at 4:30am so my brain wasn't at full power yet. I also had to edit as I found that the board as a 10.000 character limit on posts and original post was 2,500 characters over so I hope it still makes sense. Too early to really proof read well.
-Fox
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Fox,
If you don't write for a living........You Should!
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I agree!
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raynard_the_fox,
oh my gosh! thats so hilarious!!!! ha ha ha... even though it took forever to read... it was worth it... man... that was the best thing i've heard in a while! u brightened my day! thx!
KimberlyJoy
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These are all fantastic!!! Thanks so much for the laughs. Okay, my cheeks and stomach hurt now from laughing so much!!:D
Lynne
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Thanks dove I glad you enjoyed it.
I don’t know about for a living but I have always enjoyed writing a little comedy. The closes I came was when I wrote a satire column for school paper.
-Fox
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Ya I liked to do news like this.
WooooWOoooo
Atleast I dont live in oakland. :D
-Fox
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