Question:
:D Hope this will put a smile on your face.
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for
the church potluck, & her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house,
BB gun in one hand, & a handful of BBs in the other hand.
He tripped & the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it
over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment,
so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother & said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you
put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat & shot the canary."
")
One day a woman in the grocery store asked me what I had done to my knees. She had a horribly disgusted look on her face. I told her it was rug-burn. Her mouth dropped open and she promtly went the other way. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard!
Hope this doesn't offend anyone!!!
The Washington Post Style Invitation postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
:p
1 Attachment(s) :D Here's a cutie ---
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something & ask her what color it was. She would tell me, & always
she was correct. But, it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you shuld try to figure out some of these yourself!"
1 Attachment(s) Thought this was funny!
LOL! I like the rug-burn comment. In fact, that is what a male friend suggested to say, when I get stupid comments or looks from people. I'm gonna try it :p
Air Newfoundland Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort
McMurray one night, with Charlie the pilot and Hughie, the co-
pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out
the front window.
"B' jeesus" said Charlie, "will ye look at how fookin short dat
runway is!"
"Yer not fookin kiddin Charlie", replied Hughie.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings yer ever gonna
see", said Charlie.
"Yer not fookin kiddin Charlie", replied Hughie.
"Right Hughie, when I gives de signal, you put de engines in
reverse", said Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ya put de flaps down straight away", says Charlie.
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ye stomp on dem brakes as hard as ya can", says Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ya pray to the de Mudder Mary wit all yer soul", says
Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat already", says Hughie
So, they approached the runway with Charlie and Hughie full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground,
Hughie put the engines into reverse, put the flaps down, stomped
on the brakes, and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Admist the roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimeters away from the end of
the runway, much to their relief and everyone on board the plane.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Charlie
looked out the front window and said to Hughie,
"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in
me whole life".
Hughie looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Charlie. but
look at how fookin wide it is"...
Maybe you have seen these, but i found this sooooooooooooo funny. (via an e-mail i got)
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
1 Attachment(s) :D I too thought that to be very very funny!
1 Attachment(s) Great jokes!
We should try to show how evolution continued ...
Cowboy Boots --- Did you hear about the Texas teacher who as helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help &
she could see why. Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots still did
not want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked & sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get
the boots back on--this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face & scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like
she wanted to, & once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
feet. No sooner they got the boots off & he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom
made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
grace & courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat,
she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boot".
Her trial starts next month.................
Good one!
Supposedly a true story:
A kindergarten teacher was telling her class the story of "Chicken Little". She said to the class, "...and Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'. And what do you think the farmer said?"
A little boy in the back of the class raised his hand and replied, "I think the farmer said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher could not continue the story because she was laughing too hard. :D
1 Attachment(s) This is a cute pic! (Hope I do this right...)
1 Attachment(s) LynneHella --- You did fine with the pictures. They're precious.....
I have a question,,, Is the Mama cat/or the bigger one laughing at all the jokes? LOL
She's a smart cat! :D
What a cute laughing cat!!!!!!!!
Helen: Yep, she's laughing at the funny posts (just like me)!!!:D
Paw: Thanks! I love your kittie too! Very cute.:cool:
Lynne
1 Attachment(s) i thought this was cute, and funny! I want a dog like this!:D
1 Attachment(s) Funny one, Lynz!!!!:D
aw! that cat is so cute!!!
How can I resist a good cat-picture thread????
The people at the office are probably tired of my cat pictures, so I'll start anoying the entire community with them... :)
Here's my giant cat Tigger.
1 Attachment(s) :D Ha Ha, I'd say that's one Brave Cat! Definitely Cute......
1 Attachment(s) One Two Three
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for
the church potluck, & her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house,
BB gun in one hand, & a handful of BBs in the other hand.
He tripped & the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it
over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment,
so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother & said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you
put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat & shot the canary."
")
Answers:
One day a woman in the grocery store asked me what I had done to my knees. She had a horribly disgusted look on her face. I told her it was rug-burn. Her mouth dropped open and she promtly went the other way. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard!
Answers:
Hope this doesn't offend anyone!!!
The Washington Post Style Invitation postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
:p
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) :D Here's a cutie ---
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something & ask her what color it was. She would tell me, & always
she was correct. But, it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you shuld try to figure out some of these yourself!"
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Thought this was funny!
Answers:
LOL! I like the rug-burn comment. In fact, that is what a male friend suggested to say, when I get stupid comments or looks from people. I'm gonna try it :p
Answers:
Air Newfoundland Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort
McMurray one night, with Charlie the pilot and Hughie, the co-
pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out
the front window.
"B' jeesus" said Charlie, "will ye look at how fookin short dat
runway is!"
"Yer not fookin kiddin Charlie", replied Hughie.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings yer ever gonna
see", said Charlie.
"Yer not fookin kiddin Charlie", replied Hughie.
"Right Hughie, when I gives de signal, you put de engines in
reverse", said Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ya put de flaps down straight away", says Charlie.
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ye stomp on dem brakes as hard as ya can", says Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat", says Hughie
"And den ya pray to the de Mudder Mary wit all yer soul", says
Charlie
"Right, I'll be doin' dat already", says Hughie
So, they approached the runway with Charlie and Hughie full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground,
Hughie put the engines into reverse, put the flaps down, stomped
on the brakes, and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Admist the roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimeters away from the end of
the runway, much to their relief and everyone on board the plane.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Charlie
looked out the front window and said to Hughie,
"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in
me whole life".
Hughie looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Charlie. but
look at how fookin wide it is"...
Answers:
Maybe you have seen these, but i found this sooooooooooooo funny. (via an e-mail i got)
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) :D I too thought that to be very very funny!
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Great jokes!
Answers:
We should try to show how evolution continued ...
Answers:
Cowboy Boots --- Did you hear about the Texas teacher who as helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help &
she could see why. Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots still did
not want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked & sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get
the boots back on--this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face & scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like
she wanted to, & once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little
feet. No sooner they got the boots off & he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom
made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
grace & courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat,
she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boot".
Her trial starts next month.................
Answers:
Good one!
Answers:
Supposedly a true story:
A kindergarten teacher was telling her class the story of "Chicken Little". She said to the class, "...and Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'. And what do you think the farmer said?"
A little boy in the back of the class raised his hand and replied, "I think the farmer said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher could not continue the story because she was laughing too hard. :D
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) This is a cute pic! (Hope I do this right...)
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) LynneHella --- You did fine with the pictures. They're precious.....
I have a question,,, Is the Mama cat/or the bigger one laughing at all the jokes? LOL
She's a smart cat! :D
Answers:
What a cute laughing cat!!!!!!!!
Answers:
Helen: Yep, she's laughing at the funny posts (just like me)!!!:D
Paw: Thanks! I love your kittie too! Very cute.:cool:
Lynne
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) i thought this was cute, and funny! I want a dog like this!:D
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) Funny one, Lynz!!!!:D
Answers:
aw! that cat is so cute!!!
Answers:
How can I resist a good cat-picture thread????
The people at the office are probably tired of my cat pictures, so I'll start anoying the entire community with them... :)
Here's my giant cat Tigger.
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) :D Ha Ha, I'd say that's one Brave Cat! Definitely Cute......
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) One Two Three
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
1 2