Question:
It dawned on me that one of the things that keeps me going is jokes, and funnies. My husband is always going with them, and I get alot of them in emails. I think if we each post a "funny" a day we will lift all our spirits!
So here goes! EVERYONE...please feel free to jump right in.
Three men... a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan... are all
working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total," says
the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine,
Iraq and Iran so that no Infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our
precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the area. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water." :rolleyes:
This old miner had been mining for gold in the hills for 40 years. One day he went into the closest town for supplies, then stopped by the local bar for a drink. "Bartender, by god, gimme a whiskey!" The bartender got him a whiskey, then the old miner asked him, "Hey bartender,I've been mining in these hills for 40 years, all by myself. So I was wonderin'...you got any women around here?"
The bartender shook his head, pointed towards the backroom and said, "No, but we got Old Joe in the back."
The miner got mad and said, "Old Joe?? I don't go for that s**t!" and he left to go back to the hills.
A couple of months later the miner came back to town for more supplies. Once again, he stopped by the local bar. "Bartender, by god, gimme a whiskey!" After a couple of whiskeys, he thought he'd ask again. "Say bartender...you got any women around here yet?"
The bartender shook his head and said, "No, but we've still got old Joe in the back."
The miner said, "Old Joe?? Well, I don't go for that s**t!!!"
But the miner had been alone in those hills for a loooooooong time. He thought about it for awhile, then said, "Well, bartender, by god....if I do it with Old Joe....HA!!...who's gonna know about it?"
The bartender said, "Well, there's you....and me....and Old Joe of course...." then he pointed to two guys having a couple of beers at the end of the bar. "And those two guys."
The miner looked down at them and said, "Those two guys? Who are they?"
The bartender said, "Those are the two guys who hold down Old Joe. He don't go for that s**t either!"
Really good one Peggy!
1 Attachment(s) HUSBANDS!!! ;)
A truck driver hit something on the road and stopped.
he went around front and saw he had hit a rabbit.
running over to a nearby farm, he asked a farmer desperately, " I hit a rabbit! Do you have anything i can use to heal him?" the farmer went inside and came back, holding a bottle.
thanking the farmer, the truck driver ran back to the rabbit, and put the stuff in the bottle on the rabbit.
immediately, the rabbit jumped up, and hopped away, waving back at him all the while.
he looked at the bottle, and asked the farmer, who had followed him, " what is this?"
the farmer replied, " Hair reviver, with extra wave." :rolleyes:
14 and clueless :D
Sally, that was hysterical!!
CROCHETED DOLLS
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little o ld man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret; a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had t o fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This
E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Words
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
So here goes! EVERYONE...please feel free to jump right in.
Answers:
Three men... a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan... are all
working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total," says
the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine,
Iraq and Iran so that no Infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our
precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the area. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water." :rolleyes:
Answers:
This old miner had been mining for gold in the hills for 40 years. One day he went into the closest town for supplies, then stopped by the local bar for a drink. "Bartender, by god, gimme a whiskey!" The bartender got him a whiskey, then the old miner asked him, "Hey bartender,I've been mining in these hills for 40 years, all by myself. So I was wonderin'...you got any women around here?"
The bartender shook his head, pointed towards the backroom and said, "No, but we got Old Joe in the back."
The miner got mad and said, "Old Joe?? I don't go for that s**t!" and he left to go back to the hills.
A couple of months later the miner came back to town for more supplies. Once again, he stopped by the local bar. "Bartender, by god, gimme a whiskey!" After a couple of whiskeys, he thought he'd ask again. "Say bartender...you got any women around here yet?"
The bartender shook his head and said, "No, but we've still got old Joe in the back."
The miner said, "Old Joe?? Well, I don't go for that s**t!!!"
But the miner had been alone in those hills for a loooooooong time. He thought about it for awhile, then said, "Well, bartender, by god....if I do it with Old Joe....HA!!...who's gonna know about it?"
The bartender said, "Well, there's you....and me....and Old Joe of course...." then he pointed to two guys having a couple of beers at the end of the bar. "And those two guys."
The miner looked down at them and said, "Those two guys? Who are they?"
The bartender said, "Those are the two guys who hold down Old Joe. He don't go for that s**t either!"
Answers:
Really good one Peggy!
Answers:
1 Attachment(s) HUSBANDS!!! ;)
Answers:
A truck driver hit something on the road and stopped.
he went around front and saw he had hit a rabbit.
running over to a nearby farm, he asked a farmer desperately, " I hit a rabbit! Do you have anything i can use to heal him?" the farmer went inside and came back, holding a bottle.
thanking the farmer, the truck driver ran back to the rabbit, and put the stuff in the bottle on the rabbit.
immediately, the rabbit jumped up, and hopped away, waving back at him all the while.
he looked at the bottle, and asked the farmer, who had followed him, " what is this?"
the farmer replied, " Hair reviver, with extra wave." :rolleyes:
14 and clueless :D
Answers:
Sally, that was hysterical!!
Answers:
CROCHETED DOLLS
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little o ld man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret; a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had t o fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Answers:
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This
E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
Answers:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Words
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
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