Collect Questions

hay guys...i dont know how to break some very bad news to my son kevin that just got married on saturday....we just read in the paper that his good friend was killed on saturday...the same time they were saying their vows...do i call him and tell him over the phone?....the viewing is tomarrow and kevin will have to cut short his honetmoon and get back home if he wants [and he will] to attend it...but telling him over the phone...i am afrais he will drive home too fast and....oh man,...why did this sad thing have to happen on that day...or any day for that matter...please let me know what you think i should do...or say....i am so upset....linda


linda,,,,oh my how sad,,,gee this is a very hard one,,,how close was your son to him,,,like a best friend,,,can you call them and talk to his wife and ask her what to do....a good friend is close also.... if your son is nearby,,,,,will he be home in time for the funeral,,,,honestly this is hard,,,as much as you don't want to ruin his honeymoon,,,,forget it I don't know what to say........


hi linda'
sorry i don't know what to say but my thoughs and prayers are with all of you.


I think Arl hit on the right thing to do. If his funeral is still within a time frame that he can attend, don't tell him while he is on his honeymoon.
You must realize that one of their mutual friends might also contact him. That way it doesn't fall on your shoulders, and you can tell him why you didn't contact him earlier. Tell him you were suffering for both of them.
There is nothing he can do now, anyway. He'll have to suffer the rest of his life without his friend...a day or two shouldn't matter. His friends will bring him up to date when he returns, if there was anything he needs to know about the viewing.


he was a close friend..a mentor in a way...when kevin was in 10th grade he got himself into some big trouble...the court ordered him to get a job b/c he was kicked out of school for the rest of the year...no body would hire a 16 yr old ...but dan did...he is a youth councelor for his church...he saw the potintal in my son...he knew he was going down the wrong path with the wrong friends...so he sais to me [i was out begging for jobs for this kid b/c he is so shy]...i will hire kevin and i will try to help him...and this man...who runs a sandwich shop gave him a job...spent countless hours talking to him...dan turned kevin into a fine upstanding man...he worked for him 3 years and just changed jobs so he could be a head chef in a classy restarent a few towns over....all the training and experance brought him out of his shell...i give this wonderful man alot of credit for my son being what he is today...he even met his new wife at the sandwich shop when he was working..he now had the confindense to ask her out...the rest is history...


if i dont call him he will miss the viewing but still make the funeral


I don't know if this helps, but I had a close relative die when I was overseas on vacation. My parents waited to tell me until I got home. I know why they did it, they didn't want to ruin my trip. I was really upset about the death, but my memories of the trip aren't about the loss.
This is my opinion, but I wouldn't tell him until the honeymoon is over. If he can still make it to the funeral, then let it be until then. He is going to go through the grieving process, but I wouldn't want my child's memories of their honeymoon to be mixed with sadness. I would doubt that his friend would want that either.
Scott


Linda,
that's a hard one to deal with and I don't know what to say. You know your son best. I think I would talk to his wife and let her decide.


Sorry Granny, but I disagree, if you put that decision on her then that is going to not only ruin her honeymoon, but if she makes a decision that he feels wasn't right, then that is going to put alot of tension into that new marriage.
You are right though on one part Granny. Linda, you know your son, do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do.
Scott


Sorry to hear about the tradgedy. But I'd say tell him about it and let him figure out how he wants to deal with it. Depending on how he is, he may regret not seeing his friend for a last time more than having a honeymoon cut short. But then again the image of his dead friend may haunt him so it may be better off not knowing till he gets back. Honestly, his honeymoon is going to be tainted either way since it will always be associated with the death of his friend. You know him best, so do what your heart tells you. It's a terrible situation. I hope everything goes well.


Oh, Linda! I'm so very, very sorry! :( My thoughts and prayers are with your son's friend and his family and friends. :( You've already been given some great advice. But since your son will miss the viewing but still make the funeral if you don't call him, then I think that it's best that you wait until he gets home.
Mike


I disagree about the 'tainted' honeymoon. It can still have its own memories.
Linda, since you helped facilitate this relationship with Dan, you realize that the loss is special. You are doing the grieving. Your son will have to face it soon enough. A honeymoon is a joyous time, and should be respected for that. Remember the "Do Not Disturb" signs?
I just hope your son will be able to carry on his own conversations with Dan....and I'll bet Dan wouldn't want him to suffer anymore that he has to. Maybe Kevin can help another youngster one day, to pay his respects to Dan. I'll bet that would be all Dan would ever want.


Scott, you may be right. This is such a hard decision to make. I guess none of us know what we would do unless faced with the situation.


I think he would want to pay his last respects to his friend.
If he will be home in time for the funeral, tell him when he gets back, he can pay his respects then. The viewing won't be so important.
If he will miss both, tell him so he can say goodbye to his friend.
Condolences, and best wishes,
Dennis


What he doesn't know cant hurt him. If you tell him while he's on his honeymoon, no matter what; it will cause him stress. He'll either feel guilty that he cut his honeymoon short; or he'll be feeling like a bad friend for not showing up at the viewing. It will put him in between a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't. It would also be an honorable thing for you to do towards his wife to honor this special time in their life..
If he can still make the funeral, that's great. Anyways, you don't have to be in a cemetary to pay someone respects; just as you don't have to be in church to worship God. It's a spiritual thing.
I think you would be doign hi a great favor by NOT telling him.


Linda,
I am sorry for what you are going through and your son's major loss. I do think, though, that YOU know your son. In your post you said "he will want" to attend the viewing. It's a hard decision, but you should do what your heart tells you. There is no "right" or "wrong" here.
Supporting thoughts to you all...
Nancy


Linda,
You know him far better than we do so it is a decision you must make- my only advice is that if he does not attend the wake, that you go in his stead- when my Daugher was a Sr in HS a longtime friend (since they were both 3) was killed in a car accident- she had just been crowned Homecomming Queen the day before. The whole community formed an impromptu candlelight vigil. My daughter was unable to attend and, knowing it was important to her, I went to the vigil in her stead- It ment a lot to her ,and to me that I could do it for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


THANK YOU ALL...it was very touching reading everything you wrote.
As luck would have it ...they came home early...and we got to tell them in person...it was hard...but i am glad he didnt have to find out over the phone...i was not gonna call him because of the good advice i got here...thanks scott and everyone who responded...you all helped me alot...what more can i say to let you know that i love you all...you were there for me when i really needed someone....i went to the sandwich shop and there are so many flowers there lying in front of the door...i put an angel with praying hands there with all the other stuff...inside was a note i signed from kevin...again...THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE YOU SENT MY WAY.....love linda


Linda,
I'm glad it worked out for you. You have had enough, lately!


linda,,,well that turned out good................ :)


thank you all so much...its been one hard week...but this too shall pass...[i hope]...thanks again
love linda