Question:
I'm worried that I may be depressed, I've been worried about it for a couple months or more now.
Normally I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all, I'm a very happy person and I enjoy my life, and I love my loved ones, but I've been in this relationship for almost two years now, I love the relationship I'm in, and I wouldnt leave who I'm with no matter what, she's sweet, wonderful, and very kind and understanding, but the problem is, several months ago she cheated on me with one of her friends, she didnt do anything sexual or anything she just acted really perverted and kissed him a few times but it hit me really hard, I still feels bad about it to this day, but I took her back and told her I didnt want her talking to him anymore.
Now just a couple weeks ago she broke up with me after a fight we had, and she became a couple with this one friend of hers who she didnt even really know, but afterwords she was really upset and felt guilty about it, and it broke my heart but I took her back
Ever since those two things have happened I've been a wreck, Its hard to go a day without feeling depressed even though they are in the past, I've tried to go be strong on the idea that 'Time will heal all wounds' but it hasnt so far
But right now I'm even worse because of something that happened that I dont know how to deal with, what happened was, after a night of thinking I decided I'd tell her anything i could think of that i have ever lied to her about in the relationship because i want to be loyal to her and prove my love to her, one of the things i told her about was how i have browsed porn sites in the past when I told her I never did, I was too ashamed to tell her the truth at the time, and she didnt really react badly about it, she was hurt that I lied but she told me before that she wouldnt care if I did look at that kind of stuff, but she then told me that she could relate, because in our relationship she also browsed many porn sites and downloaded videos of porn, she told me that she felt really guilty and never did it again after the three days of her doing that, but it hurts so much, I know I shouldnt be upset, and I do understand because I can relate, I did that aswell, but she always seemed so much better than that, I never thought she'd ever do something like that, or actually want to see something like that if it wasnt me, and I know its unfair of me but I cant help how I feel, everytime I think about it I have actual physical pain in my left chest area around my heart and it hurts, I cant sleep without thinking of it, I cant work without thinking of it, I cant do anything, it hurts so much and I dont know what I can do, she's really upset about it and worried, so am I.
I'm sorry if this has wasted anybodies time, or anybody looks down on me because of this, but I need to get past this, and I dont know what to do.
Thank you so much for your time.
Dear Sultrier
"If it hurts it is not love" Chuck Spezzano I recommend that you get the book.
Neither of you know what real love is I recommend that you both begin to find out!
Real love is unconditional and divine, real love is compassionate and giving.
You both need self development and healing I recommend a Reiki healing training course for starters and is wonderful for bonding couples together.
Love beyond measure and all will be well, step out of the emotion and become the observer of how you are starting to destroy each other and the relationship.
being love
Kim xx
I'm sorry but I don't agree with what you said, there are many theories and opinions on what "true love" really is, and its different with different people, I am commited to the one I am with and I mentioned before that I wouldn't consider leaving her, no matter what she does to me she is always there to make me feel good again, and I admire her so much, I don't need help with the relationship itself, I need help with what Im going to do to help my depression
Thanks for the reply though.
Hi Sultrier,
If you have made the decision to stay with her and are committed to her then I totally agree and thinkyou are wonderful!
It is not easy to stay with someone you love who does things against what you think may be right, but, if you do then you clearly are showing the POWER of the love you have for her, and I commend you for this, as few people are prepared or willing to love like this.
That alone is often enough.
Gillyxxx
Kim,
This new member came to our Forums to seek help for a problem which to him, (and it is HIS perception, not YOURS, not MINE, but HIS, that matters) is causing him to sink into the deepest depression.
I repeat he sought help,, and what did he get?
He got a lecture, a short sharp, finger wagging, pontificating, telling off, 'to grow up'.
I would have expected more compassion, more understanding from you.
Sultrier,
I ask that your bear with us, you will find that you are amongst friends, who have been exactly where you are, understand it from your perspective and will be genuine in their help and advice.
Leo
Dear Sultrier,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a bad time.
It is not suprising that you are depressed, you are clearly going through difficulties and has problems to solve within the relationship. I feel that you will be successful in finding many solutions both with your own issues and those within the relationship because you are taking personal responsibility as opposed to blaming..which is positive..so already out of a bad situation you are acting positive actually.
There is nothing wrong in saying that something is not right for you..something upsets you..that is totally fair and part of being true to the self. it is also reasonable to say that you dislike soemthing in another person(or what they did) even though you did it yourself. We all do things that we do not like at times.
What is more important perhaps is to learn from it and move on.
I am inclined to think it is the trust as opposed to just the things going on, maybe better communication and confidence for you both.
As for help for you...I often think people knopw deep down the best course of action for them..we are all different and you must do what is right for you and your relationship.
But I would just say to you to not be afraid to take whatever help you need and go for it, you do not need judging right now, I think you may need some support and a little time to recover from all these shocks and upsets.
Can you talk to your girlfriend about allof this calmly and perhaps discuss some ways forwards? or maybe talk to an impartial friend or sometimes a complete stranger..just to get it out and put into some order..for your own peace of mind?
Good luck with it all.
Oh, and please don't feel guilty, you sound a very good and kind person. Ok..so in my opinion porn is not a nice thing..my opinion and I am not in a position to make judgements..but i stick with what i feel is right for me...same you should do as well.
But having a look is not crime of the century either..
Leo, I would just like to add that although (obviously!) I am deeply involved in Reiki,I have felt uncomfortable to read in this thread andothers recently, that a Reiki course is being recommended as some sort of "glue", quick fix or panacea that will heal all ills and mend relationships. Perhaps recommendation of an initial healing treatment might be more appropriate.
For those who are drawn to it, it can be a wonderful life enhancer. I don't however feel it should be "pushed" at people as a cure-all. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, it's just my opinion.
I'll leave it there for now, though I do share your view that others may be better positioned to advise on depression.
Holistic
EDITED for clarification.
Thank you all for your help, especially you Gillyann and Hal, I really appreciate it, though I don't know what I'm going to do to cope with this I do know that your support has helped me right now deal with things, I'm really glad to have found people who can bekind and show their support to someone else when they are in need of help, even if the person is a stranger.
I'll try talking out the situation more with her and try to be more calm with it and see what happens after awhile.
Thanks again
Oh and I'm sorry I didnt add you Leonardo, I misread your post and took it the wrong way, I really respect how you are though.
[sm=love-smiley-009.gif]
Take care, good luck and come and talk when you feel like it.
Love Gillyxx
Hi Sultrier,
You know what...you do not have to know today or tomorrow how to deal with things, perhaps what is more important for now is the day to day...take each day as it comes and all that.
But seriously...(I shouldn't advise) but I am sure you should not place any pressure on yourself to hurry the process of this up...it cannot be hurried but you will learn in your own time what you need to do.
Best of luck and be kind to yourself!
Halx
Normally I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all, I'm a very happy person and I enjoy my life, and I love my loved ones, but I've been in this relationship for almost two years now, I love the relationship I'm in, and I wouldnt leave who I'm with no matter what, she's sweet, wonderful, and very kind and understanding, but the problem is, several months ago she cheated on me with one of her friends, she didnt do anything sexual or anything she just acted really perverted and kissed him a few times but it hit me really hard, I still feels bad about it to this day, but I took her back and told her I didnt want her talking to him anymore.
Now just a couple weeks ago she broke up with me after a fight we had, and she became a couple with this one friend of hers who she didnt even really know, but afterwords she was really upset and felt guilty about it, and it broke my heart but I took her back
Ever since those two things have happened I've been a wreck, Its hard to go a day without feeling depressed even though they are in the past, I've tried to go be strong on the idea that 'Time will heal all wounds' but it hasnt so far
But right now I'm even worse because of something that happened that I dont know how to deal with, what happened was, after a night of thinking I decided I'd tell her anything i could think of that i have ever lied to her about in the relationship because i want to be loyal to her and prove my love to her, one of the things i told her about was how i have browsed porn sites in the past when I told her I never did, I was too ashamed to tell her the truth at the time, and she didnt really react badly about it, she was hurt that I lied but she told me before that she wouldnt care if I did look at that kind of stuff, but she then told me that she could relate, because in our relationship she also browsed many porn sites and downloaded videos of porn, she told me that she felt really guilty and never did it again after the three days of her doing that, but it hurts so much, I know I shouldnt be upset, and I do understand because I can relate, I did that aswell, but she always seemed so much better than that, I never thought she'd ever do something like that, or actually want to see something like that if it wasnt me, and I know its unfair of me but I cant help how I feel, everytime I think about it I have actual physical pain in my left chest area around my heart and it hurts, I cant sleep without thinking of it, I cant work without thinking of it, I cant do anything, it hurts so much and I dont know what I can do, she's really upset about it and worried, so am I.
I'm sorry if this has wasted anybodies time, or anybody looks down on me because of this, but I need to get past this, and I dont know what to do.
Thank you so much for your time.
Answers:
Dear Sultrier
"If it hurts it is not love" Chuck Spezzano I recommend that you get the book.
Neither of you know what real love is I recommend that you both begin to find out!
Real love is unconditional and divine, real love is compassionate and giving.
You both need self development and healing I recommend a Reiki healing training course for starters and is wonderful for bonding couples together.
Love beyond measure and all will be well, step out of the emotion and become the observer of how you are starting to destroy each other and the relationship.
being love
Kim xx
Answers:
I'm sorry but I don't agree with what you said, there are many theories and opinions on what "true love" really is, and its different with different people, I am commited to the one I am with and I mentioned before that I wouldn't consider leaving her, no matter what she does to me she is always there to make me feel good again, and I admire her so much, I don't need help with the relationship itself, I need help with what Im going to do to help my depression
Thanks for the reply though.
Answers:
Hi Sultrier,
If you have made the decision to stay with her and are committed to her then I totally agree and thinkyou are wonderful!
It is not easy to stay with someone you love who does things against what you think may be right, but, if you do then you clearly are showing the POWER of the love you have for her, and I commend you for this, as few people are prepared or willing to love like this.
That alone is often enough.
Gillyxxx
Answers:
Kim,
This new member came to our Forums to seek help for a problem which to him, (and it is HIS perception, not YOURS, not MINE, but HIS, that matters) is causing him to sink into the deepest depression.
I repeat he sought help,, and what did he get?
He got a lecture, a short sharp, finger wagging, pontificating, telling off, 'to grow up'.
I would have expected more compassion, more understanding from you.
Sultrier,
I ask that your bear with us, you will find that you are amongst friends, who have been exactly where you are, understand it from your perspective and will be genuine in their help and advice.
Leo
Answers:
Dear Sultrier,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a bad time.
It is not suprising that you are depressed, you are clearly going through difficulties and has problems to solve within the relationship. I feel that you will be successful in finding many solutions both with your own issues and those within the relationship because you are taking personal responsibility as opposed to blaming..which is positive..so already out of a bad situation you are acting positive actually.
There is nothing wrong in saying that something is not right for you..something upsets you..that is totally fair and part of being true to the self. it is also reasonable to say that you dislike soemthing in another person(or what they did) even though you did it yourself. We all do things that we do not like at times.
What is more important perhaps is to learn from it and move on.
I am inclined to think it is the trust as opposed to just the things going on, maybe better communication and confidence for you both.
As for help for you...I often think people knopw deep down the best course of action for them..we are all different and you must do what is right for you and your relationship.
But I would just say to you to not be afraid to take whatever help you need and go for it, you do not need judging right now, I think you may need some support and a little time to recover from all these shocks and upsets.
Can you talk to your girlfriend about allof this calmly and perhaps discuss some ways forwards? or maybe talk to an impartial friend or sometimes a complete stranger..just to get it out and put into some order..for your own peace of mind?
Good luck with it all.
Oh, and please don't feel guilty, you sound a very good and kind person. Ok..so in my opinion porn is not a nice thing..my opinion and I am not in a position to make judgements..but i stick with what i feel is right for me...same you should do as well.
But having a look is not crime of the century either..
Answers:
Leo, I would just like to add that although (obviously!) I am deeply involved in Reiki,I have felt uncomfortable to read in this thread andothers recently, that a Reiki course is being recommended as some sort of "glue", quick fix or panacea that will heal all ills and mend relationships. Perhaps recommendation of an initial healing treatment might be more appropriate.
For those who are drawn to it, it can be a wonderful life enhancer. I don't however feel it should be "pushed" at people as a cure-all. I'm sorry if this offends anyone, it's just my opinion.
I'll leave it there for now, though I do share your view that others may be better positioned to advise on depression.
Holistic
EDITED for clarification.
Answers:
Thank you all for your help, especially you Gillyann and Hal, I really appreciate it, though I don't know what I'm going to do to cope with this I do know that your support has helped me right now deal with things, I'm really glad to have found people who can bekind and show their support to someone else when they are in need of help, even if the person is a stranger.
I'll try talking out the situation more with her and try to be more calm with it and see what happens after awhile.
Thanks again
Oh and I'm sorry I didnt add you Leonardo, I misread your post and took it the wrong way, I really respect how you are though.
Answers:
[sm=love-smiley-009.gif]
Take care, good luck and come and talk when you feel like it.
Love Gillyxx
Answers:
Hi Sultrier,
You know what...you do not have to know today or tomorrow how to deal with things, perhaps what is more important for now is the day to day...take each day as it comes and all that.
But seriously...(I shouldn't advise) but I am sure you should not place any pressure on yourself to hurry the process of this up...it cannot be hurried but you will learn in your own time what you need to do.
Best of luck and be kind to yourself!
Halx
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